pick a team.

29 Mar

A few years ago I had a conversation with a fella that went something like this:

Grown man: “Who are you rooting for in the [insert any sport] game?”
Fella: “I don’t care and I really don’t have a team. I basically just like to watch.”

This is not okay. Watching sports is akin to taking a seat in the great Colosseum and cheering for the underdog gladiator. You’ve got to take a side! You know The Gladiator is a rad dude who’s just fighting for the memory of his wife and child. He’s doing battle with his inner demons and he needs YOU to step it up go freaking insane when he’s about to school Commodus.

Imagine, if you will, standing at Gettysburg and saying, “You know what, both sides have great outfits, good generals, and a lot of heart. I’m going to be a consciousness objector and cheer for both the Union and Confederacy”. No no, someone’s got something to prove. Slavery must end, Lee is about to take over the North, we’ve got a mission to save our country!

I’m being dramatic. Just pick a freaking team, and try to be local about it unless you have good reason (i.e., I live in Seattle but my great-grandfather was Honus Wagner!). Here’s a worksheet to help you:

NFL Team:
College Team:
ONE college must cover all sports. You may not cross-school just because your alma-matter has a crappy lacrosse team. If you didn’t go to college, add 500 points to your SAT score and pick the school that you would have gone too.
Baseball team:
Must be an existing American team. No Expos, no Brooklyn Dodgers!
Hockey Team: You don’t need to pick a hockey team
Soccer Team: You don’t need to pick a soccer team

5 Responses to “pick a team.”

  1. Helio 7 June 2010 at 1:13 am #

    I agree with the fact that you need to always be rooting for a team, because watching sports without having a preference for one team or the other is just plain boring.
    Now what do you have against soccer? It is the most watched sport in the world hands down.

    • You're a Grown Man 7 June 2010 at 6:01 pm #


      I’m a grown enough man to admit when I was wrong. You’re right, soccer is kinda’ awesome.

      Go U.S.! Destroy England!

      Please don’t hate me.


  2. Greg 28 July 2010 at 8:34 pm #

    In Canada: You definitely need to pick a hockey team. It’s not optional. This is your duty as both a Canadian and a sports fan. However, you should also choose a team from each of the 3 remaining American sports–Baseball, Football, and Basketball. You can retain legitimacy by choosing 2 out of three. Since you already have hockey, it’s OK to say “Basketball is awful” and not bother.

    Only those that are hardcore about proving their sports fandom need to pick an American college to root for. You absolutely do NOT need to root for Canadian college sports, which have no coverage to warrant fandom.

  3. Nolan 28 October 2010 at 4:05 pm #

    As a follow-on to your post, I deem it imperative, as a Grown Man, to know SOMETHING about the team you support. For example (assuming the sport is football):
    Friend: “What team are you rooting for this weekend?”
    Grown Man: “I am rooting for the [insert team]! They are my favorites”
    Friend: “Really…I heard they have a great Quarterback?”
    Grown Man: “Yeah – I think so – his name is…uhh..ahh…well I can’t remember but he is awesome!”
    Yeah, that is pretty much embarrassing and should never happen. At a minimum, know the star player(s), the coaches name, the W-L record, and who they play in their next game. If you really want to get serious, know the colleges all the major players went to, what their record was last season, and the name of the stadium they play their home games in. Otherwise, it isn’t REALLY your team at all.

  4. Someone 14 June 2011 at 9:14 pm #

    Or you could grow the hell up and stop watching other people play games that everyone should really stop playing around 8 years old.

    For goodness sake, you’re watching grown men play the equivalent of kickball.

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