Tag Archives: sports

go outside.

30 Jun

We’re coming up on a long weekend and, at this point in the week, I’m sure you’ve completely checked out and are planning your three-day nothing-fest.  Oh the places you will go!  Maybe you’ll have a big Saturday and parlay pancakes into an ice-chest full of back porch Miller Light and round third on an evening of on-line gaming.  Oh no, better yet, maybe you’ll get really active and work out that thumb, switching between Wimbledon and World Cup.  Man, the 4th of July’s gonna’ rule! I love independence!

Guys, we’ve begun equating relaxation with inactivity.  We’ve lost touch with the Earth – our dominion, our home, and our sanctuary.  What we’ve done is sought out comfort at all costs and forgotten how good it feels have dirt in our hands, sun on our necks, and fresh air to breath.  It’s time to get back to the basics.

Here’s the homework:  This weekend, go outside.  For real, start planning something right now that will aid in reintroducing you to the Earth.  Maybe you could take a nice hike, kayak, or bike ride. Maybe you could go so far as to buy a cheap tent and spend a night outside (it’s called camping).  Whatever you do, go beyond working in the yard and find, at least, a semi-beautiful place and bask in it. And by bask, I mean get rid of the phone, sweat a little bit,  look/smell/touch things, and be present for whatever may present itself.  Your instincts will take over when you get there.

Now listen, I know you’ve got World Cup fever (when will this terrible event end!) and have been working hard.  I don’t want to guilt you into not enjoying your home and 97 inch TV.   What I want from you is balance.  A balance between TV and nature, air conditioning and photosynthesis, your natural habitat and the one you’re paying monthly on.

Grown Men, go outside.

Ask A Grown Man: Vol. I

17 Jun

What a great response to this, the inaugural Ask A Grown Man post.  Let’s get this party started…

Is getting pissed at someone while driving ever acceptable when you’re with your lady friend?

James

Yes, it’s perfectly acceptable to get pissed all you want.  In fact, right now, start thinking about the most angry moment in your life.  Got it?  Are all the other kids from 2nd grade there?  Is your lower lip quivering with the sting of Kyle Poopkowski’s right hook?  Seethe in that moment. Let the Dark Side engulf you, Luke.  Now that you’re angry, is it affecting anyone?  Nope. It’s still just you at your job wasting time on a blog and mad as hell.  And guess what? Getting mad is totally fine.

James, the question you’re really asking is, “Is acting out on my anger while driving acceptable?”  And that, my brother in temperance, is met with a resounding “No.”  Going nuts in the car (with or without a lady friend) is one of the most passive and pointless forms of anger.  Grown Men love to lose their crap behind the wheel because they know there won’t be any actual confrontation.  It’s an easy way to feel tough without actually being tough.  Grown Men are supposed to be brave though – not passive.

Don’t get me wrong, cars are death machines that, in the end, will likely be the undoing of our civilization.  Furthermore, it’s perfectly understandable that when a fellow driver almost kills you and your loved ones, you’ll get upset.  The real test of a man isn’t if he gets mad, but how he responds to that anger.  I suggest waving and smiling to the offending driver, it really pisses them off.

-GM

Liberal or Conservative?

Jon M.

Educated and passionate.

Grown Men are entitled to different ideologies, but they’re not permitted to be passive.

-GM

Hey GM,

How can I get my [girlfriend] to start working out? You are the only one with the intelligence and creativity to help me! Hahahaha

Wally

You better be hahahahaha-ing, Wally, because you’re just about to lose your girlfriend.  You know you can’t ever, ever, ever, under any circumstances, ever mention “wanting her to work out more,” right?  Wally, take it from the Beav, you are going to crush your girlfriend if you ask that question.  However, you can:

1- Model a healthy lifestyle in the hopes that you don’t die at 50 and she follows suit.
2- Reexamine your perception of beauty and make changes in you that allow you to see that you’ve fooled a beautiful woman into dating you.
3- Break up with her.

What?

Yep, if you can’t do #1 or #2 (snicker) and she’s just not attractive to you anymore, end it.  I’m telling you,  this woman deserves to be with someone who thinks she is the cat’s pajamas for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.  Would it be great if she started working out?  Yes – for her.  Should she be with someone who is hella attracted to her no matter what? Yes sir, she should.

Good luck, Wally.  I bet you don’t think I’m that intelligent and creative now, do you?

-GM

Dear Grown Man:

How ever did you get so wise?

-Grown Woman who wishes more grown men read and learned from your blog

GWWWMGMRALFYB, this is the unanswerable question that has vexed generations of scholars.  I assume it’s a healthy diet of fiber and beer, but I can’t be sure really.

The real question is, how ever did you get so nice? Thanks for the thought-provoking question, I’ll be thinking about it all day.

-GM

And, last but not least….

Why is it that nice guys finish last all the time? Why do we have to wait till we are older to finally stop getting the short end of the stick?

Daniel

I’m so sorry Daniel, we’re all out of time.

Just kidding, bud – step away from the ledge.  I’m sorry you feel like you’re getting the short end of the stick in life.  I promise you, if you keep eating a healthy breakfast, being as polite as you can be, and going outside every weekend – you’ll finish first.

Girls that go for bad guys are not the ones you’re looking for.  You’re a good man, Daniel. Don’t change that because you’re older and, I’m presuming, still searching for a lady friend.  However, don’t roll over and wallow in self-pity.  Ask a girl out for coffee – this week – and if you get rejected, buy yourself a pint at the local pub and let it go. Then, like the back of the shampoo bottles say: wash, rinse, repeat.  Never stop being bold – even if you’re the last nice guy on earth.

-GM

Well, that’s all for this week, thanks for reading.  Do you have anything you want to ask a Grown Man?

you’ve got to read books.

24 May

I’ve spoken to a number of men who don’t read books, which is crazy.

But Grown Man, what’s the point of reading a book? Can’t I just watch TV/go to a movie and get the same information? Furthermore, it only takes two hours to get through a movie instead of a whole month for a book!

Here’s the difference: an I.V. versus a cheeseburger. Got it? OK, I’ll explain.

An I.V. gives you the nutrients you need but is completely void of taste or experience. A cheeseburger allows you to truly enjoy the process of nourishment with each chedder-ie, meat-ie bite..mmmmmmm, cheeseburger, mmmmmmmm. When you watch a movie you turn your brain off and ingest for two hours. Then, you clean the butter and Raisinets residue off your hands and leave the experience in the past. It’s very rare to find a movie that leaves you thinking and engaged.

However, a book takes you somewhere and lights up that gray mushy space that’s so often occupied by boredom and Rock Band. A book gives you some of the information but forces you, subconsciously, to fill in the blanks. When Hemingway talks of Spain, you find yourself sitting on a cobblestone street sipping Absinthe (don’t drink Absinthe, you’ll go nuts) and feeling the warmth of San Fermín.

Men, you need to awaken your mind. We spend many days doing the same thing over and over. It’s in our nature, it’s how we make money, serve our family, and do the job of being a grown man. But the mind becomes still – and then it gets restless. Not good.

But Grown Man, I don’t have enough time to read!

Here’s some simple math that proves you’re terrible at managing your time:

Here’s some good places to start:

1- Guy books: Tuesdays with Morrie (dad issues), Jurassic Park (dinosaur issues)
2- Classic, American, male authors: Hemingway, Vonnegut, Twain, Steinbeck, etc.
3- Biographies: Einstein, Truman, Adams, Lincoln
4- TIME Top 100 books of all time
5- Sports Illustrated Top 100 Sports books of all time
6- Magazines don’t count, they’re great, but more like a plate of sliders rather than the full cheeseburger.

Congrats, you just read 374 words.

know the news.

31 Mar

I’m always amazed when I bring up a general news story with a buddy and he has no clue what I’m talking about. It’s important that you have a cursory overview of the latest happenings on your planet from some source other than Stewart/Colbert, SNL, or, gasp, Rush. Hear me on this, I’m not talking about a page 4 story on the minutia of global politics. I’m talking about the basics:

“President signs [whatever] into law”
“Country A is talking smack about Country B”
“A Cure for [whatever] is found!”

Here is what doesn’t count towards your news quota:

“[Famous person] is dead.”
“Your team won!”
Any teaser during [insert cop or reality show] that prompts you to watch local news…
“Is your house killing you? Find out at 11.”
“You probably have cancer! Find out at 11.”

Here are some good places to get your news:
Newser It’s a great news aggregator that displays top headlines throughout the day and allows you to turn off the Paris Hilton type nonsense.

-RSS Feeds – Subscribe to some of your favorite news sites via an RSS reader. My favorite is Google Reader. There are a zillion of them out there. I’m not going to teach you how to use a computer.

TIME Magazine – I’d suggest getting the physical copy and not the online version. It’s better. Now, people may get pissy about the lefty politics of this reference. Quit it. The point is, TIME delivers a great, quick, overview to your mailbox every week. Yes, it’s a little liberal, but watch 5 minutes of FOX News for every one magazine you receive and you’ll be “Fair and Balanced”.

-The newspaper

pick a team.

29 Mar

A few years ago I had a conversation with a fella that went something like this:

Grown man: “Who are you rooting for in the [insert any sport] game?”
Fella: “I don’t care and I really don’t have a team. I basically just like to watch.”

This is not okay. Watching sports is akin to taking a seat in the great Colosseum and cheering for the underdog gladiator. You’ve got to take a side! You know The Gladiator is a rad dude who’s just fighting for the memory of his wife and child. He’s doing battle with his inner demons and he needs YOU to step it up go freaking insane when he’s about to school Commodus.

Imagine, if you will, standing at Gettysburg and saying, “You know what, both sides have great outfits, good generals, and a lot of heart. I’m going to be a consciousness objector and cheer for both the Union and Confederacy”. No no, someone’s got something to prove. Slavery must end, Lee is about to take over the North, we’ve got a mission to save our country!

I’m being dramatic. Just pick a freaking team, and try to be local about it unless you have good reason (i.e., I live in Seattle but my great-grandfather was Honus Wagner!). Here’s a worksheet to help you:

NFL Team:
College Team:
ONE college must cover all sports. You may not cross-school just because your alma-matter has a crappy lacrosse team. If you didn’t go to college, add 500 points to your SAT score and pick the school that you would have gone too.
Baseball team:
Must be an existing American team. No Expos, no Brooklyn Dodgers!
Hockey Team: You don’t need to pick a hockey team
Soccer Team: You don’t need to pick a soccer team

stop ice skating.

26 Mar

It’s one thing to take your lady friend out to the local skating rink for a date. It’s quite another to call yourself an olympian whilst wearing tights and crying.

Here are my three factors that should exclude you from being in the olympics:
1- If you have to do your hair before you compete, you’re out.
2-If you have to wear any outfit that doesn’t say USA (or your respective country), you’re out.
3- If you are going to wear those ridiculous outfits, you better freaking jump. This rule is especially for ice dancers -blech.

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