say her name first.

Today’s post contains one of those ideas that, I freely admit, is born out of my own curmudgeonly mind.  Unlike many of the entries on You’re A Grown Man,  this idea is not a part of some lost art of manliness that I’m trying to resurrect, it’s something brand new for us to implement.   So, if you’ll allow me, here is my contribution to the greater good.

When a man is introducing his significant other to someone, he typically says something like, “This is my wife, Michelle”.  Then, we all smile, shake hands, and move on.  Not me though, I begin to boil.  Deep in my stomach, I get a retching sensation akin to the flu or every meal I’ve ever had at Applebee’s.  I just want to scream, “Hey, she’s more important than her title!”  But alas, a Grown Man doesn’t lose his composure, rather, he writes an anonymous blog.

Grown Men, when you are introducing your companion, you must lead off with her name.  Then, once you’ve established who she is, you may then add her relationship to you: my wife, my girlfriend, my mom, my life coach, my court appointed liaison.  No matter how awkward it may sound at first to drop the traditional rhythm of title/name, I assure you that your trend setting politeness will more than compensate.

Grown Man, first of all – Applebee’s rules, how dare you!  Also, why would I do this?  It feels a little emasculating.

First of all, that place gave me food poisoning two times from two different locations.  I’m just sayin’.   Secondly, there’s nothing emasculating about being respectful and putting others ahead of yourself.  The reason I want us to lead off with the name is not because I think we’re weak and should no longer be proud of our companions.  It’s because we’re strong enough to say, I value that person as an individual more than I value their contribution to my life.

Believe me, there’s nothing that makes me more proud than someone meeting Grown Woman, my wife, and being super impressed with her (which they always are).  But the fact is, before Grown Woman said “I do” to Grown Man, she was still a freaking accomplished, funny, independent person.  At no point did her misguided and foolish betrothal to me trump that, it just added.  Therefore, she’s her before she’s a part of us.

One more thing, this rule goes for introducing anyone you’re with. While it’s particularly jarring to me in the context of a relationship, it’s really a rule across the board.  Everyone deserves this level of respect.

Well, I think that’s it for today.  Usually these posts are twice as long and filled with lists and scores of obscure references that make me feel superior.  However, I’ve said what I need to say and am going to exit gracefully.

Happy Monday, gentlemen.  Go get em…

Ask A Grown Man: Vol. I

What a great response to this, the inaugural Ask A Grown Man post.  Let’s get this party started…

Is getting pissed at someone while driving ever acceptable when you’re with your lady friend?

James

Yes, it’s perfectly acceptable to get pissed all you want.  In fact, right now, start thinking about the most angry moment in your life.  Got it?  Are all the other kids from 2nd grade there?  Is your lower lip quivering with the sting of Kyle Poopkowski’s right hook?  Seethe in that moment. Let the Dark Side engulf you, Luke.  Now that you’re angry, is it affecting anyone?  Nope. It’s still just you at your job wasting time on a blog and mad as hell.  And guess what? Getting mad is totally fine.

James, the question you’re really asking is, “Is acting out on my anger while driving acceptable?”  And that, my brother in temperance, is met with a resounding “No.”  Going nuts in the car (with or without a lady friend) is one of the most passive and pointless forms of anger.  Grown Men love to lose their crap behind the wheel because they know there won’t be any actual confrontation.  It’s an easy way to feel tough without actually being tough.  Grown Men are supposed to be brave though – not passive.

Don’t get me wrong, cars are death machines that, in the end, will likely be the undoing of our civilization.  Furthermore, it’s perfectly understandable that when a fellow driver almost kills you and your loved ones, you’ll get upset.  The real test of a man isn’t if he gets mad, but how he responds to that anger.  I suggest waving and smiling to the offending driver, it really pisses them off.

-GM

Liberal or Conservative?

Jon M.

Educated and passionate.

Grown Men are entitled to different ideologies, but they’re not permitted to be passive.

-GM

Hey GM,

How can I get my [girlfriend] to start working out? You are the only one with the intelligence and creativity to help me! Hahahaha

Wally

You better be hahahahaha-ing, Wally, because you’re just about to lose your girlfriend.  You know you can’t ever, ever, ever, under any circumstances, ever mention “wanting her to work out more,” right?  Wally, take it from the Beav, you are going to crush your girlfriend if you ask that question.  However, you can:

1- Model a healthy lifestyle in the hopes that you don’t die at 50 and she follows suit.
2- Reexamine your perception of beauty and make changes in you that allow you to see that you’ve fooled a beautiful woman into dating you.
3- Break up with her.

What?

Yep, if you can’t do #1 or #2 (snicker) and she’s just not attractive to you anymore, end it.  I’m telling you,  this woman deserves to be with someone who thinks she is the cat’s pajamas for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.  Would it be great if she started working out?  Yes – for her.  Should she be with someone who is hella attracted to her no matter what? Yes sir, she should.

Good luck, Wally.  I bet you don’t think I’m that intelligent and creative now, do you?

-GM

Dear Grown Man:

How ever did you get so wise?

-Grown Woman who wishes more grown men read and learned from your blog

GWWWMGMRALFYB, this is the unanswerable question that has vexed generations of scholars.  I assume it’s a healthy diet of fiber and beer, but I can’t be sure really.

The real question is, how ever did you get so nice? Thanks for the thought-provoking question, I’ll be thinking about it all day.

-GM

And, last but not least….

Why is it that nice guys finish last all the time? Why do we have to wait till we are older to finally stop getting the short end of the stick?

Daniel

I’m so sorry Daniel, we’re all out of time.

Just kidding, bud – step away from the ledge.  I’m sorry you feel like you’re getting the short end of the stick in life.  I promise you, if you keep eating a healthy breakfast, being as polite as you can be, and going outside every weekend – you’ll finish first.

Girls that go for bad guys are not the ones you’re looking for.  You’re a good man, Daniel. Don’t change that because you’re older and, I’m presuming, still searching for a lady friend.  However, don’t roll over and wallow in self-pity.  Ask a girl out for coffee – this week – and if you get rejected, buy yourself a pint at the local pub and let it go. Then, like the back of the shampoo bottles say: wash, rinse, repeat.  Never stop being bold – even if you’re the last nice guy on earth.

-GM

Well, that’s all for this week, thanks for reading.  Do you have anything you want to ask a Grown Man?

care about the environment.

I have a theory that once-a-week the trash man puts a gigantic “We-Cycle” magnet over the “Kill Everything” logo that’s usually on the side of his truck. Then, he drives around and picks up the little blue bins of faithfully sorted cans and newspapers and heads directly for – wait for it – the dump. I am crazy, I admit it, but tell me you haven’t considered that?

However, I keep sorting those recyclables, taking them out to the curb (usually when I hear the truck down the street), and feeling the distinct sense of pride that maybe, just maybe, a baby seal won’t choke to death on my Dogfish Head bottle.

Very few issues have polarized the great Grown Men I’ve known more than the environment. I’ve found that there are three categories of environmentalism:

The Rush to Judgements: “All this greenhouse talk is just Chicken Little nonsense! I’ll feed a dolphin styrofoam if I want to!”

The Composters: “We must do everything in our power to address and fix The Inconvenient Truth that human beings are killing the planet! Where’s your cloth shopping bag?!”

Yet many men, a majority in fact, don’t give the environment a second thought, I call them…

The Blank Slates: “Oh my god, bro, we have to do this – Mustache May is going to be SICK!”

Well done guys.

As a side note, all three of these categories of men agree that 1.7 million gallons of BP oil a day into the Gulf of Mexico probably isn’t good for the complexion of turtles. Moving on…

This rest of this post is for the Blank Slates. Why? Because the Rush’s and the Composters have placed such a firmly cemented ideological flag that they can’t be spoken to about this topic. But the Blank Slates, oh the dear, sweet, Blank Slates, those guys will believe anything! “Bro, that girl’s checking you out!” “Bro, I bet you can hit the pool if you jump!” “Bro, that Chocolate Axe is tiiiight!”

Blank Slates, let’s establish the bottom line – the environment is real. How do we know that? Because you’re breathing, eating fruit (loops), and alive. Good, so that’s out of the way. And gentlemen, it’s probably a good idea for you to do everything you can to be a good steward of the environment.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Grown Bro – what the hell’s a steward?”

I’m so sorry. A steward is someone who maintains, manages, and takes care of something. For instance, when you go home from college for a weekend and yell for your mom to bring you “grape soda and Funyuns – ASAP!”, that’s her being a steward to you. When you have to take attendance at your chapter meetings, that’s you being a steward to your “sweet as hell fraternity”. I’ll put it more simply – steward = helper.

Here’s the bottom line: Help out the environment. Maybe it needs it and The Composters are right, maybe The Rush’s are spot-on and we don’t understand the regenerative powers of our planet and all our Y2K-ness just comical. Either way, if you have an option to recycle, why not do it? Maybe my aforementioned conspiracy theory is correct, but maybe it’s actually being recycled – what difference does it make to you? Let’s error on the side of being helpful and not ideological.

Plus, Grown Women will think you’re super in-touch with yourself and enlightened – which can’t hurt your chances.

give a crap about Memorial Day.

I’m not going to begin a rant about how America rules, how we need to support the war effort, that some gave all , or how these colors don’t run. But I will say, Memorial Day is important and worth at least five minutes of your Monday.

Memorial Day is about remembering people in the military who died as well as living veterans and those serving presently.

What?! I thought Memorial Day was about me remembering how much I love gluttony and sloth. Oh snap, I love me some cheeseburgers!

My point exactly. Memorial Day has become one of the great forgotten holidays. We love this day because we don’t love our jobs and even more, we love doing nothing – not a damn thing – sitting on our butts all day with a beer I.V. and a blank slate of a mind. Ah yes, this is the good life.

Now please, don’t feel bad about the kielbasa & chicken wing double doozie that you just started working on. The very point of today is giving you, the draft-dodger who lied to the high school Army recruiter and told him you were already accepted to Harvard Law just so he would stop calling you, a reason to celebrate.

Because today, we don’t have to look over our shoulders while we flip the burgers. Today, we don’t have to be afraid of death when we go on our DUI-ish beer run (well, you kinda do, but you know what I mean). Today, we enjoy the sweet taste of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness – and we can do that because somebody, thousands of somebody’s are willing to take a bullet for you.

Have a great day today. Men need time off – it’s restorative. Just take a moment to call your grandfather and thank him for not putting up with injustice and getting in harms way. Write a quick thank you note to someone you know who’s in the desert or protecting this countries interests. At minimum, give a moment of thought to how nice it is to be totally, completely, free.

One quick note. I’m not saying that I agree with the war(s) in the present or past. However, when someone has a job that is hard enough that it warrants the federal government shutting down for a day – it’s probably worth remembering.

know the news.

I’m always amazed when I bring up a general news story with a buddy and he has no clue what I’m talking about. It’s important that you have a cursory overview of the latest happenings on your planet from some source other than Stewart/Colbert, SNL, or, gasp, Rush. Hear me on this, I’m not talking about a page 4 story on the minutia of global politics. I’m talking about the basics:

“President signs [whatever] into law”
“Country A is talking smack about Country B”
“A Cure for [whatever] is found!”

Here is what doesn’t count towards your news quota:

“[Famous person] is dead.”
“Your team won!”
Any teaser during [insert cop or reality show] that prompts you to watch local news…
“Is your house killing you? Find out at 11.”
“You probably have cancer! Find out at 11.”

Here are some good places to get your news:
–Newser It’s a great news aggregator that displays top headlines throughout the day and allows you to turn off the Paris Hilton type nonsense.

-RSS Feeds – Subscribe to some of your favorite news sites via an RSS reader. My favorite is Google Reader. There are a zillion of them out there. I’m not going to teach you how to use a computer.

–TIME Magazine – I’d suggest getting the physical copy and not the online version. It’s better. Now, people may get pissy about the lefty politics of this reference. Quit it. The point is, TIME delivers a great, quick, overview to your mailbox every week. Yes, it’s a little liberal, but watch 5 minutes of FOX News for every one magazine you receive and you’ll be “Fair and Balanced”.

-The newspaper