Tag Archives: gay

quit your job with class.

13 Aug

I rarely, if ever, weigh in on current events. And though I read news like it’s my job, the reason it doesn’t show up on You’re A Grown Man is because it rarely has any connection with the timeless art of mature masculinity.  Recently though, the story of Steven Slater has become big news and is in the process carving a new niche of acceptable behavior for men.  Gentlemen, we can’t let this happen.  Something must be done.

In case you’re not familiar with Mr. Slater’s story, here’s a recap of what we know – not what’s being reported and refuted, what we actually know:  He worked as a flight attendant for JetBlue.  Something (a bag falling, someone was rude, we don’t really know everything) got him mad. Then, he said some angry words on the PA, stole a few beers, and deployed/slid down the emergency exit slide.  He was later arrested for criminal mischief and reckless endangerment.  Now, the country is freaking out over him and going so far as to call him a “working class hero”.  This is insane, not to mention disrespectful to John Lennon.

Guys, at no point did Steven Slater do anything right.  From the moment he allowed his anger to win and then broke the law in some movie-like exit, he was shirking his responsibilities and taking the easy road, or slide, as the case may be.  The way a man leaves a job is not by losing his shiz and storming off as that’s what children do.  And when children have temper tantrums, we correct them – not praise them.  We quit with dignity, we quit without burning bridges, and we quit like Grown Men.

Here’s how you should quit your job:

1- Wrap your head around the fact that you’re quitting. Really, it’s okay to quit a job.  I’m not going to get into all the factors of how multiple jobs will look on your resume, as this is a different conversation for every man.  But what we must know is that very few of us go to work for “the company” and retire with a gold watch after 50 years.  There may be times in your life where leaving Company A for Company B is beneficial.  Or better yet, leaving Company A for Company Self-Employed!  In any event, you’re not disappointing your lineage by strategically quitting a job.  Sometimes, you’ve got to move on.

2- Set a meeting. When it’s time, you’ve got to do it as soon as possible.  Very few realizations will turn your stomach like knowing that you’re about to jump ship (airplane).  When you’ve given yourself the mental green light to be done, be done.

3- Thank your superior and get the hell outta there. There’s nothing else you need to do in this meeting other than say “Mr. Spacely, I have made a decision to leave my position here at Spacely Space Sprockets. I’ve enjoyed this opportunity and it’s been a pleasure working with you.”  Then, shut up.  Now, your job is just to reply – you don’t need to say anything else.  If she asks when you’re quitting, you reply with “I am more than willing to work hard for as long as you need to find a suitable replacement.  I leave it up to you.”  If he asks why you’re quitting, do not take this opportunity to begin trashing every co-worker, business practice, and poorly stocked break room snack bar.  You’re quitting and now no longer have any reason to change the business.  What you need to do is say something about moving in a different direction with your career and then, you guessed it, shut up and get the hell outta there.

4- Make eye contact and shake hands. This is just what men do.  And, in the midst of quitting, you need to be especially respectful, poised, and confident.  Leaving your bosses office with him or her respecting you (even though they may be displeased with you) is one of the hallmarks of a Grown Man.

Grown Men, it’s important that you quit your job with class.  At no point in the story of Steven Slater cracking did he do any of he aforementioned steps and, therefore, is not worthy of our adoration in this arena.  Listen, I know times are hard and many of you are reading this blog while in the midst of searching for a job.  And really, I feel for you – these aren’t fun days.  But gentlemen, at the end of the day, a “working class hero” is someone who keeps his composure, doesn’t steal from the company (the beer, remember?), and quits with forethought and class.

Steven Slater, I hope you’re reading.

Ask a Grown Man: Vol. IX

12 Aug

La Di Da Di, we like to party, we don’t cause trouble, we don’t bother nobody

Dear Grown Man,

Good day, good sir! I have been the “gay friend” all my natural life. I am a larger man, so I try to be extra nice to women to not freak them out as much. (Lets face it, lineman build and 6’6″ is kinda scary). My question is: How do I stop this “gay friend” nonsense? Should I try to play the jerk card as recommended by some of my more successful “brochachos”?

Thank you for reading.

Keep being Ab-fab-tastic!
-Nick

Refrigerator Perry,

Man, do I feel for you.  I can hear the frustration in your writing and know that you feel you’re at a crossroads: Do I continue to be a nice guy, or do I change my approach in hopes of landing a lady-friend?  It’s a hard spot to be in, and I’m sorry.  Nobody can blame you for wanting, deeply, to be in a good relationship.

Having said that, I have something very important to say that you must hear.  Are you ready? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! The advice you got from your “bro-chachos” is total crap and must be ignored.  The reality is, being a jerk DOES work.  And, it works because some women haven’t had the privilege of being treated well and think that a man who’s aloof, rude, and ungentlemanly is the norm or, at least, a “project” they can reform.  Those women are mistaken and the men who prey on that insecurity are unacceptable.  You, my good man, are not permitted to go down that road.

What then, shall you do?

Step 1: You need to start believing that you are worthy of being cared for – just as you are.  Your sizable stature will be (and may already be) attractive to women. Additionally, you may feel that being like the other perfect people will be the way out of singledom forever.  This, however, is a lie we tell ourselves and just isn’t true.  What is important is that you recognize that you are a good man and that nothing is wrong with you.  For real, your acceptance of yourself  will be vital to your progress with women.  Because, and here’s the secret, confidence is the name of the game.

Step 2: Keep being tremendously genuine, caring, and nice.  Don’t waver, don’t change at all, and don’t listen to the voices around you.  Nice guys don’t finish last, they finish with long lasting relationships that are fulfilling.

Step 3: Be bold.  I wrote a post a while back before people were reading titled Ask a Girl Out. But, in case you’ve got better things to do than read some stupid blog, essentially what it boiled down to was: At some point, you need to be brave and ask a women out on a date.  No more getting a vibe, no more waiting for the perfect moment, just put on your big boy panties and ask.  If she says no, be graceful, have your night of mourning, and continue to be respectful towards her.  Nick, you don’t need more friends, you need courage.  Do it.

Step 4: When step 3 fails and she says no (which she will, it happens to everyone) go back to step 1, tell yourself you’re a good guy, don’t change a thing, and ask another wonderful, smart, funny, differentiated, tall?, woman out.  Dating is like shampoo: wash, rinse, repeat.

Nick, we’re all rooting for you!  Send me a picture of the engagement.

6’1’’, formidably large, and married to a remarkable Grown Woman,
GM

I’m not gay, but one thing that I’ve noticed is that is a Grown Man is not necessarily straight. Am I right?
-Gustavo

Gus,

You are right.  You’re a Grown Man is a blog for all men.  Being okay with crying, loving babies, hugging each other, and everything else I rant about is universal.  In fact, I’d say that most of the advice could even be applicable for Grown Women as well.  In any event, common courtesy and etiquette knows no limits.

And, while we’re talking about it, I’d like to say that I acknowledge that in most of my writing I clearly come from a straight guy perspective.  Well, that’s because I am a straight guy and it’s just easier to write what I know.  However, to all the Grown Gay Men who enjoy this blog, please know that I respect the heck outta you and hope you’re okay with my gender specific language.

One more thing, I love how straight guys preface anything remotely, even stereotypically, gay with a declaration of orientation. I’m not gay, but I love Rufus Wainwright and AntiquingI’m not gay, but these pumps are killing me.

Quit using gay as slang,
GM

As always, thank you for reading and keep asking those great questions!

start calling people ma’am or sir.

16 Jun

Like standing when a lady enters the room, calling someone ma’am or sir is one of the finer points of etiquette that’s losing its footing with the current generation.  And while I’m okay seeing some things die off from that era (like those weird Organ stores in the mall), the common courtesy of a respectful address is a baton worth carrying.

Gentlemen, my encouragement to you is that you default to calling people ma’am or sir or, if you’re hella’ English, madam and squire.  Why?  Because it’s classy.  When the lady at the check-out counter says, “Thanks for shopping at Fatties” and you say, “Yes ma’am, thanks for your help,” people behind you in line are going to say, “Now there’s a real captain of industry type!”.  When your Uncle, who likes you because he knows that you know and are cool with “it”, introduces you to his new “friend” and you say, “Pleasure to meet you sir,” everyone around you will have a reverence for your maturity.

Dude, I’m not saying that Old English crap.  I’m keeping it real with bro or pal!

Otter, Animal HouseBroseph, we’re not in your frat house getting stoked about the huge “Killer BP” party (Beer Pong).  You’re an adult, and you live in the real world. Bro, pal, chief, Dr. Wang, etc., are all reserved for the close friends who put up with your idiocy.  Put away the toga and bust out the manners.

Here’s a word of caution, you’re going to get some push back on this ma’am/sir thing.  When you call a guy sir, he’s probably not going to say anything and just think you’re respectful.  When you call a lady ma’am, you may get a surprising, “Don’t call me ma’am, I’m not old enough for that!”

First of all, yes she is.  But we always want to respect that our XX sisters are a bit more sensitive to age than the XY’s, so here’s a line I use all the time that works like a charm:

Very old lady: “Ma’am? I’m too young to be called ma’am!”
Grown Man: “I can assure you [looking square into her eyes], it’s about respect, not age.”

Snap!   I’m telling you, the “respect not age” line will defuse the bomb 99% of the time and lets them know that, in fact, you are just calling them ma’am because you’re polite, not because you see them as your elder.

Here are a few closing rules for ma’am and sir:

– Use it for everyone, regardless of age.  11-year-old kids know when they’re being respected and will appreciate an adult talking to them that way.

– If someone says, “Oh no, please, call me [insert name] Murdock”, feel free to do it.  In fact, it’s better etiquette to call them by their name than to ignore the request.

-Avoid saying ma’am in southern accent, lest you sound like Matthew McConaughey (alright, alright).

Thanks for reading, kind sir.

Remember, tomorrow is Ask A Grown Man Thursday.

it’s okay to hug/be hugged by other grown men.

2 Jun

I work with a guy who cringes every time I try giving him a hug. Granted, I’m hugging him because I take great joy in his public discomfort, but that’s beside the point. The question is, why have guys gotten so weird about hugging?

Grown Man, I don’t want everyone around me to think I’m gay!

First, nobody thinks that and, furthermore, why would you think that? Really, stop and ponder this. If you saw two guys in a quick embrace, would you think, “They’re doin’ it.” Nope. Just like you wouldn’t think that when you give a quick hug to your grandma – oh god, nauseous, why did I write that?

Bush/McCain HugBut, let’s say for the sake of argument that you do feel a little something, a subtle warmth by the embrace of another man. Well congratulations, you may be learning something new about yourself and should gladly accept hugs at all turns.

Grown Men, a hug is a very informal way of saying, “I care about you and I’m happy to see you.” 95% of the time, a handshake is the best way of physical communication between guys, but every now and again we need to say something else, something more meaningful, something that communicates that we don’t give a damn what the world thinks – we’re hugging it out, bitch.

Here’s some quick rules for a proper platonic hug:

1- Give it a count of 3-Mississippi or less. More than that arouses ulterior motives.
2- Talking while hugging is a must. Hugging without talking is cuddling. Say things like, “Good to see you, you old [3 Mississippi, hug is over] bastard.”
3- Men think they have to hit on the back during the hug, this is not true. However, DON’T RUB! You know why.
4- Don’t hug in the workplace unless it makes the other guy overly uncomfortable – in which case enjoy the hell out of that joke and send him this post.

quit using “gay” as slang.

27 May

Roc HudsonI’ve heard many many guys say, “Bro, you’re so gay!” or, just flat-out, “you’re gay.” I’m assuming that the men saying this are not referring to their bro’s clearly self-actualized sexuality or uncanny cheeriness. Sadly, they’re ripping their friend by using this word derogatively. Let’s talk about this.

Men are hard-wired to be afraid of the unknown. We use this fear to protect our families (I lock the doors 3x a night), to do better in jobs with hopes of making more money (or at least not getting fired), and we use fear to antagonize one another. Calling someone gay works so well because straight dudes can’t really fathom being gay. The idea of being emotionally and physically intimate with a man, to a straight man, is unthinkably odd. And, because it’s just so unknown, straight men become fearful of it.

So what do we do when we’re afraid or uncomfortable? We laugh, we lash out, and we lose our decorum. We all do this, I do this. When I watch a part of a movie that’s particularly sad (Carrie throwing the flowers at Big), I laugh and say, “Oh my god, this movie sucks”. Does it suck? Oh hell no, nor will the sequel.

So what’s the right response? First, admit that you don’t fully understand how someone can be gay. Second, recognize that because you don’t understand it, you’re probably mentally wired to act like an idiot by default. Third, recognize that your instinct to act like an doofus is disrespectful to those who aren’t afraid of our Grown Gay Men. Forth, commit to not calling your bro’s gay when they leave Hamburger Helper out overnight. Finally, start ripping on them for other stuff you know nothing about:

-You’re so goals for the future!
-You’re so American History!
-You’re so shower!

But grown man, I’m not afraid of gay guys, I just think it’s funny.

Nope. Quit it.

One more thing. While not many people read this blog (except for last Friday where about 400 people in Boulder, CO found it), I’m not allowing any rude comments on this post. This is the first You’re A Grown Man post that deals with anything somewhat polarizing – please don’t be tools about it.

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