Tag Archives: hair

Ask a Grown Man: Vol. XI

10 Sep

What does a grown man do with unsightly hair (like back, chest…and other places)? In other words, are the French and David Hasslehoff grown men; or the shaved metrosexuals at the mall? I’m confused.


Zach Attack,

You’ve posed an excellent question!  One that many a Guido and bear (of the San Francisco variety) have argued over.  Unfortunately, the answer isn’t definitive and requires some guidance (of the Grown Man variety). We’re going to do this SAT, read-and-answer-a-question, style:

1- You’re a hairy fella and, when you look in the mirror, you’re neutral or happy about what you see.  Additionally, your lady-friend also likes what she sees and even enjoys spending long hours french braiding your back.  Keep it or Shave It?

2- You’re a hairy fella and, when you look in the mirror, you think you look like a big old Robin Williamsesque beast.  You hate it, it’s gross, you wish you were smooth like “shaved metrosexuals at the mall” (an awesome reference by the way, Zach).  Keep it or Shave It?

3- You’re a hairy fella and, when your lady-friend takes a gander at you she loves you but is kinda grossed out.  She’s cool about it, but you can tell she’s also laying back and thinking of England every time she hugs you at the beach.  Keep it, Shave it, or Discuss it (oooh, tricky)?

Pencils down…ready for the answers?

#1 – Keep it! My friend, you’ve hit the holy grail.  You’re cool with it, she’s cool with it, and you shouldn’t have a care about that hair!  There’s absolutely no biological reason for you to shave (or keep) your body hair.  It’s purely an aesthetic decision. If all concerned parties are happy, flaunt those chest dreads with confidence.

#2 – Shave it! Again, what matters is that you’re happy with you.  It doesn’t matter what The Situation or The Hoff say, it’s your body.  If you’d be happier without body hair — go for it. Do I think you’ll look like a crazy albino dolphin?  Yes.  But at the end of the day, you call the shots about you.  Grown Men have confidence.

#3- Discuss it! It’s still your call with what you do to your body.  However, now that you’ve joined with someone and made the non-verbal contract that you’re representing each other, it’s probably a good idea to have the discussion as to why she doesn’t like the hair and what, if anything, you’re willing to do to help out (shave, wear more shirts, Flowbee?).  What you need to know is that if she’s not a big hair fan, it doesn’t mean she’s not a big you fan.  Everyone has certain likes and dislikes. Just talk it out and come to a nice compromise.  Also, if you think that maybe she’s also not a big fan of you — run! Hair will be the least of your problems, my good man.

Zach, at the end of the day, confidence is the name of game.  If you like the way you look, there’s no reason to change (unless you like wearing t-shirts to work, then you’ve got to change).  If your significant other is not a fan, you owe her the courtesy of a conversation and then, confidently, to do what’s right.  However, and I would be remiss if I didn’t mention this, none of our grandfathers shaved their bodies (unless your grandpa is Jack LaLanne).  It’s kind of a weird trend that I think Grown Men of the future will scoff at.

Hair today, gone tomorrow,

Mr. Grown Man,

I’m turning 21 this week, and wanted this to be a time for celebrating a landmark age in becoming a proper Grown Man.  This is hard, of course, when most of my friends want to engage in some more traditional, downing-21-shooters debauchery.  Is there a way for me to celebrate my rights under the Twenty-first Amendment without being a total knob/landing in the hospital?

Growing Up Man

Mr. Growing Up Man,

Happy Birthday!  Turning 21 is a big deal.  Why?  I have no idea, drinking to get drunk is overrated and you’ve been eligible for the military for three years.  But still, it’s a culturally accepted right of passage, so I celebrate with you! Hazaa!

Zach, if he’s not careful

Let’s get to the point.  You are dead, spot, right on with your desire to celebrate the repeal of prohibition in a responsible way.  The only way I can tell you to do that – and this isn’t a fun answer – is to be bold and just do it.  There’s no tricky way. There’s no “Hey, tell your friends that drinking will interfere with your HGH supplements” kind of way, there’s simply just doing what you need to do to not make your first morning of your 21st year a miserable one.  I do have a few pointers though:

1- Don’t drink fast. The moment your friends see an empty glass, they will (and should) order you another one.   Don’t drink so slow that they know your nursing it, but if you slow the pace from “chug, chug!” to nice-and-normal, you’ll save yourself a ton a alcohol and still enjoy the night.

2- Eat before you drink. For real, one beer on an empty stomach is like three on a tummy full of McFatties Burgers.

3- Avoid drinking games. Drinking games are akin to trying to clean your dog with a pressure washer — it’s going to be efficient but tragically messy.  The moment your bro’s start screaming “pong, pong, pong”, you can be assured that it’s not a snarky 80’s reference (a la Grown Man), but a challenge for you to be throwing up in 10 minutes.

Other than that, I don’t know what to tell you.  I hope you don’t end up being a “knob” (great word, by the way) who lands in the hospital.  However, if you do, please send pictures, I’ll post them so we can all laugh at you.  Just be bold, you’ve got a good head on your shoulders and will do the right thing.  Happy Birthday, Zach.

Also, don’t drive or hook-up, you’ll regret it,

Until next week, keep asking those great questions!

go to a barbershop, not a salon.

4 Jun

Gentlemen, we’re lost in the woods. We’re stuck in a confusing land of exfoliation, mani-pedi’s, “product”, manscaping, cuticle therapy, and $50 hair cuts – it’s time to escape.

In all likelihood, you go to a salon. Your salon probably has one of those über trendy names that means nothing and is, inevitably, followed by a grammatically incorrect period. avenue rust. salon randy. sheer 613. Furthermore, your salon makes you set an appointment for a “styling”, makes you get your hair washed beforehand (uncomfortable and affair-ish), and puts you square in the middle of a conversation between stylists regarding the cuteness of Justin Bieber. Men, your salon is no place for a Grown Man.

But Grown Man, I have a specific hair style that only my stylist can do!

Simple rule: If your cute quiff can’t be maintained an 80-year-old WWII veteran with scissors, a straight edge, and grizzled old-dude fingers – it’s not a haircut fit for a man. Believe me when I say this, women like men who look normal. They’re not looking for faux-hawks, they’re looking for an adult.

Here’s what you need to be looking for as you switch from boutique to barber:

1- Find a random barber in a remote corner of your town. If that place looks somewhat unkempt on the outside and you’re not 100% comfortable leaving your car out of sight, you’re in the zone.

2- No chain hair places. Many chains offer cheap haircuts and will have you “in and out in 15 minutes”. However, a cheap and quick haircut usually looks like, well, a cheap and quick haircut.

3- A good barber can do two haircuts: “high on the sides” (flat-top) and “a little off the ears” (George Clooney). Your barber won’t ask what you want, he’ll cut what you need. Relinquish your type-a-ness (gross) and let the guy work.

4- They don’t take appointments, credit cards, or women. All of these things in their own way are fantastic (and one of them smells good), but none of them have any business in a barber shop.

5- The shop shouldn’t have a name other than [insert name]’s Barber Shop. They do this because a man puts his name on something he loves. Think of it this way, when we’re little and we get a Red Flyer Wagon, we flip it over and scrawl Grown Man on the bottom. When we get married, we totally annoy our wives by asking them to spend five years changing social security cards and drivers licenses just so we can see our name attached to someone we love. A barber shop is a man’s business and livelihood, he cares about it and wants you to know that you can expect a level quality that could only come from his name being on the door.

Grown Men, find a local barber, bring cash, and enjoy updating your look. They’ll remember your name, give you a respectable haircut, and will never – EVER – talk about Justin Bieber.

Enjoy the weekend, and thank you for reading and commenting.

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