Ask a Grown Man: Vol. IX

12 Aug

La Di Da Di, we like to party, we don’t cause trouble, we don’t bother nobody

Dear Grown Man,

Good day, good sir! I have been the “gay friend” all my natural life. I am a larger man, so I try to be extra nice to women to not freak them out as much. (Lets face it, lineman build and 6’6″ is kinda scary). My question is: How do I stop this “gay friend” nonsense? Should I try to play the jerk card as recommended by some of my more successful “brochachos”?

Thank you for reading.

Keep being Ab-fab-tastic!

Refrigerator Perry,

Man, do I feel for you.  I can hear the frustration in your writing and know that you feel you’re at a crossroads: Do I continue to be a nice guy, or do I change my approach in hopes of landing a lady-friend?  It’s a hard spot to be in, and I’m sorry.  Nobody can blame you for wanting, deeply, to be in a good relationship.

Having said that, I have something very important to say that you must hear.  Are you ready? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! The advice you got from your “bro-chachos” is total crap and must be ignored.  The reality is, being a jerk DOES work.  And, it works because some women haven’t had the privilege of being treated well and think that a man who’s aloof, rude, and ungentlemanly is the norm or, at least, a “project” they can reform.  Those women are mistaken and the men who prey on that insecurity are unacceptable.  You, my good man, are not permitted to go down that road.

What then, shall you do?

Step 1: You need to start believing that you are worthy of being cared for – just as you are.  Your sizable stature will be (and may already be) attractive to women. Additionally, you may feel that being like the other perfect people will be the way out of singledom forever.  This, however, is a lie we tell ourselves and just isn’t true.  What is important is that you recognize that you are a good man and that nothing is wrong with you.  For real, your acceptance of yourself  will be vital to your progress with women.  Because, and here’s the secret, confidence is the name of the game.

Step 2: Keep being tremendously genuine, caring, and nice.  Don’t waver, don’t change at all, and don’t listen to the voices around you.  Nice guys don’t finish last, they finish with long lasting relationships that are fulfilling.

Step 3: Be bold.  I wrote a post a while back before people were reading titled Ask a Girl Out. But, in case you’ve got better things to do than read some stupid blog, essentially what it boiled down to was: At some point, you need to be brave and ask a women out on a date.  No more getting a vibe, no more waiting for the perfect moment, just put on your big boy panties and ask.  If she says no, be graceful, have your night of mourning, and continue to be respectful towards her.  Nick, you don’t need more friends, you need courage.  Do it.

Step 4: When step 3 fails and she says no (which she will, it happens to everyone) go back to step 1, tell yourself you’re a good guy, don’t change a thing, and ask another wonderful, smart, funny, differentiated, tall?, woman out.  Dating is like shampoo: wash, rinse, repeat.

Nick, we’re all rooting for you!  Send me a picture of the engagement.

6’1’’, formidably large, and married to a remarkable Grown Woman,

I’m not gay, but one thing that I’ve noticed is that is a Grown Man is not necessarily straight. Am I right?


You are right.  You’re a Grown Man is a blog for all men.  Being okay with crying, loving babies, hugging each other, and everything else I rant about is universal.  In fact, I’d say that most of the advice could even be applicable for Grown Women as well.  In any event, common courtesy and etiquette knows no limits.

And, while we’re talking about it, I’d like to say that I acknowledge that in most of my writing I clearly come from a straight guy perspective.  Well, that’s because I am a straight guy and it’s just easier to write what I know.  However, to all the Grown Gay Men who enjoy this blog, please know that I respect the heck outta you and hope you’re okay with my gender specific language.

One more thing, I love how straight guys preface anything remotely, even stereotypically, gay with a declaration of orientation. I’m not gay, but I love Rufus Wainwright and AntiquingI’m not gay, but these pumps are killing me.

Quit using gay as slang,

As always, thank you for reading and keep asking those great questions!

13 Responses to “Ask a Grown Man: Vol. IX”

  1. Bex 12 August 2010 at 1:28 pm #

    I love the large men; 6’5″ or taller please (and I assure you there are many more of us)!
    Don’t have to be a jerk Nick– just more aggressive in your approach. As GM says, ask a girl out. One of your friends has probably been pining on you for ages– but you’ll never know until you take the plunge. Whatever you do– don’t become an asshole! You may get laid more often with that approach (at first), but you definitely won’t get anything lasting.

  2. Coco 12 August 2010 at 3:42 pm #

    Grown Man, I love your sensible advice on dating. Nice guys are a precious commodity, and being one makes a man a gem, not a chump.

    It was only after I escaped ten years worth of jerks and married a nice Grown Man that I realized and truly appreciated the difference.

    Hang in there, Nick. Your lady is out there.

  3. rpg 12 August 2010 at 3:42 pm #

    Well said, GM. Well said.

  4. Bramanm 12 August 2010 at 5:23 pm #

    Quick sidebar: Which version of Lodi Dodi were you starting there GM? I think you might be a Snoop fan

    Main topic – As the nice guy who finished last for over 10 years, I can say that yes being a jerk will get you some one-nighters, but eventually these women will see that you’re just “playing jerk” and not a real “project”. Getting out of the friend zone is tough especially since your girl BFF is not attracted to you sexually (She really isn’t). So unless you have an “S” on your chest and can show yourself in a new light, move on to a girl who will appreciate the nice guy you are.

    This in no way means settle. If you deserve a 10 go get a 10. Hot girls like nice guys too!


    • You're a Grown Man 12 August 2010 at 7:36 pm #

      There’s no might in it, I can’t get enough of S-N-double O – P!

  5. Hanna 12 August 2010 at 8:43 pm #

    Dear Grown Man,
    You should do one about driving a clean car, at least when picking up a girl. No McDonald’s wrappers, please. Reasonable?
    – A Lady.

  6. Gustavo 12 August 2010 at 9:08 pm #

    But I didn’t have the intention to use as a slang, I just wanted to be so formal that it would have seemed bully. Anyway, that’s just what we need: gender or orientation does not matter. I guess this blog is not only for men who want to be more successful with women, but for everyone who wants to become a grown PERSON.
    About Nick’s question: I’m getting over a problem that looks like yours: I used to be very fat (245 lb). And it affects the way I relate to people, as your height does. I can “hear your frustration” too.
    OK, I have flattened (yes! No surgery or “miraculous” formulae). But I realised that more important than health matters was the self-esteem upbringing – and Grown Man couldn’t have answered better about this.

    Good luck (for us!)

    • You're a Grown Man 12 August 2010 at 9:14 pm #


      I’m really sorry. I know you didn’t mean it as slang. In fact, your question was really respectful and brought up a good point.

      I ended with “quit using gay as slang” as one more shameless reference to my own blog and to be clever. However, I totally see why you thought I was ripping on your intent. It was bad writing on my part.

      Thanks for reading and asking a great question!

  7. Nick 13 August 2010 at 12:58 am #

    Thanks for the encouragement guys! GM, Thanks for taking the time to put it step by step (day by day) for me. I think, it’s gonna be a new day tomorrow. Thanks again!

    • You're a Grown Man 13 August 2010 at 8:05 am #

      Nick, I really like you. I’m glad some woman, somewhere, gets to be associated with you. Thanks for the great question and for being a Grown Man.

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