be a good wedding guest.

27 Jul

It’s wedding week here on You’re A Grown Man and I, for one, am really excited about this.  Every day I’m going to tackle one of the major roles a fella can play in a wedding (guest, groomsmen, best man, and groom). Also, we might have a super-special fifth post – oh the excitement!  In any event, it’s going to be glorious.

Grown Man, why are you pimping out your sick blog for an entire week!?  I hate weddings!

You can moan and groan all you want, but you’re going to have to attend a wedding at some point.  And, while I know you’d rather be doing literally anything other than jumping around to Love Shack for the thousandth time with a belly full of chicken or fish and a half gallon of bottom shelf beer, you’ve got to go.  Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiin roof – rusted (busted?)

Alright, leading off our series today is the concept that you should be a good wedding guest.  We’re going to do this in all bullet points because really, not much is expected of you other than to not be a doofus.  However, it is my civic duty to give you some specific pointers and save you from yourself.  Allow me to begin…

– RSVP, ASAP. Gentlemen, you disappoint people at every turn with your inability to return a call or email.  However, when you forget to do those things, it’s just impolite and usually not that big of a deal.  But when you don’t RSVP, your name remains blank on guest_list.xls and you become an increasingly heavy millstone around the neck of those who give a crap about place cards and wedding favors.  You may not understand how much work goes in to planning a wedding, but believe me – it’s a lot.  Répondez s’il vous plaît! Sorry to yell at you in French.

– Bring a gift. I’ve already written a beautiful and touching expository on this so I’ll leave it to myself to prove my own point.  Bottom line: You have no choice, bring a gift THAT’S ON THE REGISTRY.

– Figure out your own transportation and lodging. The bride and groom may be kind enough to include a suggested hotel in their wedding announcement.  But if they don’t, you really can’t call them and add your needs to their plate.  Again, they’ve got a lot to do and you’re a big boy who can figure out his own life.

-Never be the center of attention. “Center of attention! What ever could you mean!?” Oh, I don’t know: getting sloppy drunk, being loud, walking around and getting in the background of every picture, dancing a little too close for too long with the 15 year old cousin (yes, I’ve seen it), stealing all the disposable table cameras and taking 500 pictures of your junk (yes, I’ve seen it), signing the guestbook 15 times with names like “Gary Coleman” and “Your Balls” (yes, I’ve seen it), etc., etc.  It’s okay to have fun and yuck it up with your pals, but anybody’s wedding other than your own is not about you – it’s about them.  Be cool, broseph.

-Thank someone for the party. Somebody in that room paid for your booze, tiny mesh bag of dinner mints, and 55-year-old chronically depressed D.J.  You really should say thank you.  Customarily, the bride’s parents flip the bill and ought to be the recipients of your hearty hand shake and genuine (non-drunk) thanks.  However, you can always just play it safe and thank the bride and groom for their generosity.  It’s good to be grateful.

-Don’t leave too soon. Let’s say the reception is booooooring, and I mean really unbearably terrible.  Well buddy, you’re just going to have to wait it out.  Listening to awkward speeches in a gross VFW with terrible food is probably only comparable to the 6th or 7th circle of hell.  However, you’ve got to stay until the cake has been cut and served.  There’s no getting around it – that’s just the way it is.

Before we go, I’ve got one more…

-Keep your tie on! There’s something about the reception that seems to beckon men to ditch the tie and unbutton the top button.  This is not acceptable.  I don’t care if the ceremony is in Sub-Saharan Africa or you’ve just been challenged to a dance-off by freaking J.T. himself, you’ve got to remain fully dressed.  Your tie may come off when, and only when, the bride’s parents leave.  When they’re gone, the reception just turned into an after-party and, my good friend, it’s time to Watusi like it’s 1999!

That’s all for today.  Tomorrow, I shall take the groomsmen to task.

A very special thanks to @accessoriesdiva, @chrisstorms, @krisarruda, @mahfrot, @perpetualpeeve, @sholeh, and @joelrakes for the Tweets that gave a lot of good content to this weeks series.

17 Responses to “be a good wedding guest.”

  1. Tom 27 July 2010 at 9:38 am #

    Sounds like we’ve been to a few of the same receptions, my friend. Remember when Uncle Ralph went on the dance floor with that lighted stogie and caught the crepe-paper archway on fire? Yeah, good times. Once again, GM, you’ve done exemplary public service in asking us to heed the better angels of our nature. To your concise list of pointers, might I add “Don’t arrive late?” While this is good advice for everything from sporting events to community theater, it’s particularly pertinent as Daddy’s Little Princess prepares to make her spectacular stroll down the aisle. Arriving with only seconds to spare, breathlessly sprinting past the tail-end of the bridal party as that once-in-a-lifetime moment nears, is the very definition of “bad form.”

  2. perpetuallypeeved 27 July 2010 at 9:54 am #

    Never be the center of attention – YES! Like the time my best man started the speech with, “Hello, my name is XYZ, I’ll be your best man for the evening…” and entertained us the whole night by grabbing the mike from the DJ and singing karaoke-style. 🙂

    Oh – and you need to add: don’t skip the ceremony. Why do men think it’s okay to just show up for the reception. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

    • You're a Grown Man 3 August 2010 at 8:01 am #

      Great point, really great point. Skipping the ceremony isn’t cool on so many levels!

  3. Nifer 27 July 2010 at 10:08 am #

    Just a note on the Love Shack…the lyric is “tin roof–rusted” and it is an expression used to communicate that the woman is pregnant. Just something I learned on pop-up video, thanks VH1.
    And thanks GM for another entertaining and educating post.

    • You're a Grown Man 3 August 2010 at 8:02 am #

      Now that’s freaking interesting, thanks Nifer! Man, whatever happened to pop-up video – that show was perfect for my ADD.

  4. whywecantbebros 27 July 2010 at 10:30 am #

    Grown man,

    You are truly a sick blog writer. So sick.

    Always and forever,

    Your Bro

  5. Layla 27 July 2010 at 11:44 am #

    By the end of our reception, my husband was wearing his tie around his head, my garter on his sleeve, and his pants were unzipped. He kept body slamming his best man. Don’t do that. Don’t body slam people at your wedding. The dance floor is not a pit. Don’t invite my husband to your wedding.

    • You're a Grown Man 3 August 2010 at 8:03 am #

      Don’t body slam – check.
      Don’t invite Layla’s hubby – double check.

      Good (and funny) warnings, Layla – thank you!

  6. Matt 27 July 2010 at 3:37 pm #

    Follow up question, Grown Man…

    I usually default to a gift card from one of the stores on their registry so the happy couple can purchase whatever they need/want but didn’t get. Not only is it nice and flexible for them, but I don’t have to haul around a 12 cubic ft, 30 lb box with the dishwear they (she) fell in love with at the local Crate & Barrel and concern about breaking the fragile contents, with added side-benefits of not having to mess with 200 square feet of wrapping paper and being able to accomplish all necessary shopping in a sum total of 5 minutes only 3 hours before the actual ceremony.

    Are gift cards an acceptable “gift”, or do I need to start manning up and getting something they (she) actually scanned into the little registry beforehand?

    • Sholeh 28 July 2010 at 10:46 am #

      Matt: The thing is, most registries allow you to ship the gift to the happy couple. No need to go out and actually buy it or wrap it. Now, if their registry is completely tapped because you forgot to buy the gift until the day of the wedding, and all that is left is the cheese grater, then buy them a gift card from their store(s) of choice. And mail it to them. Because guess what? Sometimes stuff gets stolen at wedding receptions (sad, but true), and a tiny little gift card is likely to get lost.

    • You're a Grown Man 3 August 2010 at 8:09 am #

      Matt, your instincts are right on my good man. Gift cards are FANTASTIC and not at all tacky. And, like you well documented, it prevents a number of annoyances.

      Also, I like you’re blog – well done!

  7. lookingforsomethingtofind 28 July 2010 at 12:39 am #

    A friend of mine is having a wedding this year, this post is like a vaccination, to all the mistakes I would have probably made.

  8. Eugene 28 July 2010 at 3:51 am #

    Nicely written! Love the part about disposable cameras. >_>

    • You're a Grown Man 3 August 2010 at 8:12 am #

      I really wish I didn’t have that anecdote to share – but alas.

      Thanks for reading, Eugene!

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