Tag Archives: recreation

the size of your truck doesn’t matter.

18 Aug

So I was on a couple date the other night when the other fella at the table (we’ll call him Manute) declared, “Well, I’ve got some ideas for the Grown Man.”  The table snickered and then was exceedingly impressed when he produced a 3×5 card with neatly written, bullet pointed, ideas.  Clearly, this man meant business.

RIP ManuteOne of his ideas was something like, “Grown Men must have trucks. I love my truck, and when I see a guy in a little Honda, I laugh.”  At this point in the conversation, I slipped away into my own thoughts and began writing this post.  Because trucks, and cars in general, are something that men go ape-crap about.  Really, I don’t need to elaborate on this point, do I?  Guys love automobiles, it’s as American as TMZ and Double Downs.  But why? Why the obsession?

Manute had a solid point.  Trucks are awesome.  I’ve had a truck, someday I’d like another one.  There’s something about knowing that you can do basically anything in a good truck that makes them so appealing.  While most men drive the same six mile stretch everyday with their suitcase in the passenger seat and absolutely no adventure worthy of such a grand vehicle, just knowing that, if the need arose, you could haul two palates of sod or could quickly enlist a stranger to drive while you stand in the bed of the truck and shot at bad guys! Trucks rule.

But Gentlemen, we’ve turned the love of our vehicles up to 11 and need to dial it down a notch.  Being cool in a truck isn’t about having the truck, it’s about confidence.  My friend Manute doesn’t really laugh at poor Honda Civic drivers when he sees them – he’s too good of a man.  And, in fairness to him, he was sitting next to his girlfriend of 10 months and across the table from the two of us who basically knew him through the girlfriend.  The freaking guy had a lot of charming to do.

However, plenty of guys do see their vehicle as some badge of superiority in the caste system of masculinity. These are the same guys that put stickers on the back that read “It’s a Jeep thing, you wouldn’t understand” or display a picture of Calvin pissing on [insert rival truck company’s logo].  These guys are, wait for it…wait for it….NOW!  Compensating. They’re saying, “Don’t see me, see the truck.”  To these men I say, nothing on this planet will make you look cooler and stand out above the other men like a solid sense of self and a truck load of humility.  What’s important is that you like the truck.  It’s not about being held in higher regard than others, it’s about being your own Grown Man.  Confidence, confidence, confidence – it’s really the game changer.

Allow me to end with a story:  When I was 15, my grandfather gave me his car as he was upgrading to a standard issue, old dude Saturn.  For six months before I got my license, I went outside every day and cleaned the car, put a new and ridiculously loud stereo in the car, and generally just played with my new toy.  I loved that car and felt like the coolest guy that ever lived.  On the day that I turned 16 and finally got to drive it, I went everywhere!  My mom would mention two rooms away that we were running low on eggs… “No problem mom, I’ll be right back!” My brother would need to go to t-ball practice… “Oh geez mom and dad, you’ve had a hard day, let me take him!”  For real, I was the MAN in that car.

That car was* a 1.0 L, 3 cylinder, Geo Metro.  Not familiar with the Metro?  It’s a lawnmower with four doors that I literally had to fall into because I’m so tall.  And, even though that was one of the smallest, crappiest cars ever made, it was absolutely the coolest vehicle I’ll ever own – even when I finally get the 1957 Chevrolet 5100 (or one of the thousand other amazing trucks I drool over).  The man makes the Geo, not the other way around.

You’re a Grown Man, the size of your truck doesn’t matter.


*I totaled that car 13 days after I got my license.  16-year-olds shouldn’t be allowed to drive.

Ask A Grown Man: Vol. I

17 Jun

What a great response to this, the inaugural Ask A Grown Man post.  Let’s get this party started…

Is getting pissed at someone while driving ever acceptable when you’re with your lady friend?

James

Yes, it’s perfectly acceptable to get pissed all you want.  In fact, right now, start thinking about the most angry moment in your life.  Got it?  Are all the other kids from 2nd grade there?  Is your lower lip quivering with the sting of Kyle Poopkowski’s right hook?  Seethe in that moment. Let the Dark Side engulf you, Luke.  Now that you’re angry, is it affecting anyone?  Nope. It’s still just you at your job wasting time on a blog and mad as hell.  And guess what? Getting mad is totally fine.

James, the question you’re really asking is, “Is acting out on my anger while driving acceptable?”  And that, my brother in temperance, is met with a resounding “No.”  Going nuts in the car (with or without a lady friend) is one of the most passive and pointless forms of anger.  Grown Men love to lose their crap behind the wheel because they know there won’t be any actual confrontation.  It’s an easy way to feel tough without actually being tough.  Grown Men are supposed to be brave though – not passive.

Don’t get me wrong, cars are death machines that, in the end, will likely be the undoing of our civilization.  Furthermore, it’s perfectly understandable that when a fellow driver almost kills you and your loved ones, you’ll get upset.  The real test of a man isn’t if he gets mad, but how he responds to that anger.  I suggest waving and smiling to the offending driver, it really pisses them off.

-GM

Liberal or Conservative?

Jon M.

Educated and passionate.

Grown Men are entitled to different ideologies, but they’re not permitted to be passive.

-GM

Hey GM,

How can I get my [girlfriend] to start working out? You are the only one with the intelligence and creativity to help me! Hahahaha

Wally

You better be hahahahaha-ing, Wally, because you’re just about to lose your girlfriend.  You know you can’t ever, ever, ever, under any circumstances, ever mention “wanting her to work out more,” right?  Wally, take it from the Beav, you are going to crush your girlfriend if you ask that question.  However, you can:

1- Model a healthy lifestyle in the hopes that you don’t die at 50 and she follows suit.
2- Reexamine your perception of beauty and make changes in you that allow you to see that you’ve fooled a beautiful woman into dating you.
3- Break up with her.

What?

Yep, if you can’t do #1 or #2 (snicker) and she’s just not attractive to you anymore, end it.  I’m telling you,  this woman deserves to be with someone who thinks she is the cat’s pajamas for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.  Would it be great if she started working out?  Yes – for her.  Should she be with someone who is hella attracted to her no matter what? Yes sir, she should.

Good luck, Wally.  I bet you don’t think I’m that intelligent and creative now, do you?

-GM

Dear Grown Man:

How ever did you get so wise?

-Grown Woman who wishes more grown men read and learned from your blog

GWWWMGMRALFYB, this is the unanswerable question that has vexed generations of scholars.  I assume it’s a healthy diet of fiber and beer, but I can’t be sure really.

The real question is, how ever did you get so nice? Thanks for the thought-provoking question, I’ll be thinking about it all day.

-GM

And, last but not least….

Why is it that nice guys finish last all the time? Why do we have to wait till we are older to finally stop getting the short end of the stick?

Daniel

I’m so sorry Daniel, we’re all out of time.

Just kidding, bud – step away from the ledge.  I’m sorry you feel like you’re getting the short end of the stick in life.  I promise you, if you keep eating a healthy breakfast, being as polite as you can be, and going outside every weekend – you’ll finish first.

Girls that go for bad guys are not the ones you’re looking for.  You’re a good man, Daniel. Don’t change that because you’re older and, I’m presuming, still searching for a lady friend.  However, don’t roll over and wallow in self-pity.  Ask a girl out for coffee – this week – and if you get rejected, buy yourself a pint at the local pub and let it go. Then, like the back of the shampoo bottles say: wash, rinse, repeat.  Never stop being bold – even if you’re the last nice guy on earth.

-GM

Well, that’s all for this week, thanks for reading.  Do you have anything you want to ask a Grown Man?

you’ve got to read books.

24 May

I’ve spoken to a number of men who don’t read books, which is crazy.

But Grown Man, what’s the point of reading a book? Can’t I just watch TV/go to a movie and get the same information? Furthermore, it only takes two hours to get through a movie instead of a whole month for a book!

Here’s the difference: an I.V. versus a cheeseburger. Got it? OK, I’ll explain.

An I.V. gives you the nutrients you need but is completely void of taste or experience. A cheeseburger allows you to truly enjoy the process of nourishment with each chedder-ie, meat-ie bite..mmmmmmm, cheeseburger, mmmmmmmm. When you watch a movie you turn your brain off and ingest for two hours. Then, you clean the butter and Raisinets residue off your hands and leave the experience in the past. It’s very rare to find a movie that leaves you thinking and engaged.

However, a book takes you somewhere and lights up that gray mushy space that’s so often occupied by boredom and Rock Band. A book gives you some of the information but forces you, subconsciously, to fill in the blanks. When Hemingway talks of Spain, you find yourself sitting on a cobblestone street sipping Absinthe (don’t drink Absinthe, you’ll go nuts) and feeling the warmth of San Fermín.

Men, you need to awaken your mind. We spend many days doing the same thing over and over. It’s in our nature, it’s how we make money, serve our family, and do the job of being a grown man. But the mind becomes still – and then it gets restless. Not good.

But Grown Man, I don’t have enough time to read!

Here’s some simple math that proves you’re terrible at managing your time:

Here’s some good places to start:

1- Guy books: Tuesdays with Morrie (dad issues), Jurassic Park (dinosaur issues)
2- Classic, American, male authors: Hemingway, Vonnegut, Twain, Steinbeck, etc.
3- Biographies: Einstein, Truman, Adams, Lincoln
4- TIME Top 100 books of all time
5- Sports Illustrated Top 100 Sports books of all time
6- Magazines don’t count, they’re great, but more like a plate of sliders rather than the full cheeseburger.

Congrats, you just read 374 words.

vacate.

21 May

That’s where I’ve been – on vacation.

But Grown Man, I LOVE your blog soooooo much, why didn’t you update it for a week?

First, you’ve got to stop using so many o’s. It makes you look like a 6th grade girl. Second, a man must create margins in his life. We’ve got to have times to disconnect, play, enjoy the world outside of the 9 to 5, and feel freedom. Without these margins we get restless and falsely presume that the life we lead is boring. It’s not boring, you and I just need to get out and explore – it’s in our nature.

I would urge you, nay, beg you, to take at least a day and do something that can only be qualified as fun. Don’t carry your iPhoneBerry, don’t worry about the meeting you’re missing, just have a good time and recharge.

I, having recharged fully, am going to give you a sneak peek at next weeks topics:

-germs
-cars
-babies
-reading
-hair product

video games can no longer be your primary hobby.

6 May

Do video games rule? Yes. Is it fun to get together with some buddies and play Shoot Each Other And Yell: IV? OH HELL YES! Is it okay for video games to be one of your primary hobbies? No, sir.

Let’s boil down what a video game is – it’s a TV show. Being super-stoked about gaming is akin to my Aunt Ruth losing her shiz because General Hospital is on – you’re both escaping the real world and dying in front of your “programs”.

Furthermore, when a lady inquires, “Hey, Man I’m Considering for Procreation, what are your hobbies?” Can you imagine saying, “I watch about 6 hours of television a day. The great thing is though, I control an Army man and we destroy zombies on the planet Dorkizar. I’ve won competitions – so that’s pretty cool.” [exit, girl]

Games are meant to be an amusing little addition to a full, rich life – not the main focus of one. Here are some alternate, acceptable hobbies in case you decide to kick the video game habit:

-Nature
-Music
-Girlfriend

Take care, grown men.

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