Tag Archives: parenting

quit freaking out about babies.

19 Jul

I like babies and dogs, I always have.  There’s something about those two creatures that just makes me exceedingly happy.  I’m assuming it’s because they don’t talk.  Maybe it’s because I find amusement in something that slobbers.  In any event, my heartfelt affinity for babies is not common for a man – and I’m okay with that.  But what I’m not cool with is how much crap I’ve gotten for liking babies (men seem to make allowances for dogs).  Countless friends of mine have said, “Oh man, I’m glad you like babies…but they freak me out!” or “Wow, you should really have a kid since you like babies so much.”

Grown Men, you need to quit freaking out about babies.  So many of you are afraid that:

1- You’ll drop them.
2- You won’t know what to do EVEN if you just hold one for a few minutes.
3- Your lady-friend will think you’re hinting that it might be time to start “trying”.

Allow me to refute these points:

You’ll drop them.: No, you wont.  Think of it this way, at the end of a long evening at the local pub, you’re able to hold a pint even when you’re tired and half-in-the-bag. That glass is made out of, you guessed it, glass, and would shatter time and time again if you were as clumsy as you perceive yourself to be.  Furthermore, babies aren’t as delicate as guys think they are.  Have you ever seen a delivery?  Me neither.  But from what I’ve been told, the nurses and doctors are far from our definition of gentle.  Apparently, they move swiftly with the babies and hit them on the back so they’ll cough up any remaining ectoplasm.  You see what I’m getting at? Dr. Venkman knows what he’s doing and you, my gentle-man, are not going break a baby.  My advice is to sit down the first few times.  The mom or dad will get what you’re doing and will gladly hand you the little-buddy when you’re situated.  All you have to do is sit and do nothing – which you’re naturally a pro at.

You won’t know what to do…: Well, this is kinda true actually.  If you’re freaked out by holding a baby, then you’ve likely never changed a diaper, taught your daughter how to ride a bike, or given your son “the talk”.  However, enjoying a baby isn’t about those things – nobody is asking you to raise the kid just because you’ve taken a few minutes to hold one.  In fact, if the worst case scenario happens and they either a)start crying or b)load up the diaper, the parents are going to know immediately that you, a total amateur, are not able to handle these scenarios and they’re going to politely snag Bonzo back and do what they do (and you don’t) – parent.

Your lady-friend will think you’re ready to start “trying”.: Oh geez, this one’s just a total cop-out.  There isn’t a Grown Woman in the world who thinks your ready to be a dad just because you allow yourself the pleasure of holding a baby.  When she watches you, she’s thinking, “God, his mom’s going to be a freaking nightmare if we ever have a kid.”  Listen up, I know you love “practicing” and aren’t ready to “try” – and that’s okay.  But when the time is right, you’ll know.  You and the Mrs. will talk about it like adults and turn that corner together.  Holding a baby won’t force the issue.

Molly and Grown Man

A few weeks ago, I got the rare opportunity of holding an 11-hour-old baby.  Her name is Molly and she is, as far as I can tell, a perfect baby.  She smelled exactly like a new baby should, made clicking sounds as she breathed, and had exceedingly soft ears. I loved my time with Molly.  As I sat there for 30 minutes holding her, I couldn’t help but think about her at 5-years old, running around in the park, at 18-years-old, descending the stairs in a prom dress, and at 30-years-old, with a family of her own.

At this point, I realize  the male readers have Apple-Q‘d this page and the female readers are all that’s left.  But for the few guys that have made it to this point, you’ve got to hear that holding a baby is about looking at someone else and seeing hope and promise.  Just like I look past your dead-fish handshake and see a possible Grown Man.

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