Ask a Grown Man: Vol. XIV

17 Jun

Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been back for years!  Let’s get to helping…

Grown Man,

I have a “man friend” whom I met in a Uni math class. We have become good friends and we occasionally go out for lunch, talk on skype, text, etc. The problem is I’m as single as could be, yet he has a girlfriend of 2 years. It is clear that their relationship is semi-dysfunctional and that they have fallen out of love. He knows I am looking for a relationship, and he even told me not too long ago that he would date me. I’m getting sick of waiting for him to break up with his girlfriend. What should I do? Should I stop talking to him altogether and walk away?

-Forever Single Young Woman

The Other Woman,

Let us first address the fact that this guy, like you, is involved with Uni.  And while I don’t want to alarm you, I will say that during my college years I dabbled in the Uni arts and it ended up leading me down some very dark paths. I still can’t see my college mascot without weeping and convulsing. In all seriousness though, what the heck is Uni? Sea Urchin (you’ll need to click here to get this joke)? University of Northern Iowa?  Maybe it’s just short for University, but that just seems redundant.  All math at your school is Uni math if that’s the case – so that doesn’t make any sense.

More to your question, however, is what to do with your “man friend” – we’ll just call him Unitard.  As I see it, one of three scenarios is playing out:

Go UNI's!!!

Go UNI Panthers!

Scenario one: He’s a good man who met you during math and realized that solving for x meant having you in his life.  Maybe he’s torn between two lovers and genuinely struggling with a difficult decision.  I hope this is the scenario, as it’s the one that’s most affirming to you and your awesomeness – TI-82 and all.  However, I said we’ve got three scenarios, so…

Scenario two: Unitard is pulling a classic, well-worn, guy-move which unfolds as follows:

1- Guy realizes a year ago that he wants to break up with his girlfriend.
2- Guy waits a year because breaking up is a giganto pain-in-the-protractor, and children like to avoid pain.
3- Guy snaps.
4- Guy becomes distant from his girlfriend.
5- Guy starts flirting with another girl because a) He’s trying to get caught and get broken up with (way easier than doing the breakup)  b) The other girl makes him feel rejuvenated, alive, passionate and all the things he’s been missing for the last year in his cruddy relationship.
6- Guy talks himself into believing that math-mistress is the right girl…while all along it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with him, what he needed, and what emotional void you – oops – she was filling.
7- Guy reconnects with, gets engaged to, and marries the original girlfriend.  Uni math is left wondering what she did wrong, why she wasn’t good enough, etcetera, etcetera.

The Other Woman, if this scenario is right (and history would tell us that it is), you’re not being wooed because you’re the greatest lady ever, but because you represent all that was lost with the 2-year girlfriend.  You’re funny, passionate, interested in him and easy (not in the gross way, but in the emotionally available way). You’re being used like methadone, and you deserve to be the singular focus of some man’s attention and affection.

So, my answer to your question is this: It’s time to exit gracefully. Maybe, like many great men, he’s just in a confusing place and his current actions don’t necessarily speak of his overall character and date-ability.  Fine.  When he breaks up with his 2-year girl, then you can resume flirting.  But for now, it’s probably best to let him sort his junk out without making you the obtuse angle of a triangle (you’ll learn that in Uni-201).

Hold on though, didn’t I say there were three scenarios?  Scroll up… I did!

Scenario Three: Uni is short for Universal Citizens of Galaxy 9, and this is all some sort of cult thing that I don’t understand. If this is the case, lace up your matching Nikes and have at it!

Thank you for your question, Other Woman…and for everyone else reading, I’ll be answering another question next Monday – ask away!

3.14159,
Grown Man

9 Responses to “Ask a Grown Man: Vol. XIV”

  1. Amy P 17 June 2013 at 11:49 am #

    That was one long sabbatical.

  2. jameskaufholz 17 June 2013 at 2:55 pm #

    Reblogged this on James J. Kaufholz and commented:
    Grown Man is finally back and with some wonderful advice.

    • You're a Grown Man 17 June 2013 at 4:50 pm #

      Hello sir, thank you for re-blogging on your elegant blog. I feel honored to be your one post of 2013.

  3. Matthew 18 June 2013 at 1:28 am #

    Good to see Grown Man back at the wheel. Solid advice as well.

  4. Dare Right 19 June 2013 at 9:11 pm #

    Long time no read, GM! So, if this isn’t a comeback, have you actually been cyber-lurking all this time?

    Glad to have you back!

    • You're a Grown Man 20 June 2013 at 1:03 pm #

      Lurking, stalking – it’s all semantics really.

      Thanks for sticking around, it’s nice to see you again!

  5. Elizabeth Collins 5 September 2013 at 12:10 pm #

    Found your site after googling Men Who Break Up Via Text Messaging. Great blog and couldn’t agree more that breaking up via text is a cowardly classless way to go. If we all had a crystal ball before entering into these no-go relationships. Anyway, got a chuckle out of seeing a reference to my alma mater University of Northern Iowa. Small world.

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