quit going to semi-strip clubs.

8 Oct

I’m disgusted that I have to write this article. For real, I can’t believe that seemingly regular guys who aren’t ridiculous enough to go to strip clubs (it’s never okay) have no problem frequenting semi-strip clubs.

Um, Grown Man, semi-strip clubs?  You made that up didn’t you?  I mean, c’mon.

Oh heck yeah I made it up, and you know why?  Because restaurants, bars, car washes, and anywhere else where employees are almost naked and survive on your tips for their perceived – again, perceived – flirting are employing the same business model as a strip club.  Let me say that again more simply: If a woman is almost naked in your vicinity, you’re no longer interested in chicken wings.

Grown Man, tell me you’re not talking about [no lawsuits for me] — I love that place!  Straight up, bro, for real, it’s just you and me now — I go for the food.

No, you don’t! And here’s how I know you don’t go for the food.  Men are visual creatures.  The entry point to our hearts, minds, sexuality, and yes, stomachs, is our eyes.  When we’re little guys, everyone thinks we have ADD (which in some cases may be true.)  But the reason all little fellas are ADD-ish is because they’ve yet to reign in their eyes. So everything they see, every new picture on a TV and every shiny object that flashes in the distance, is some new bit of stimulus for their brains to process.  When we’re big kids, we know how to control and maintain some level of attention, but we still see everything: every painted-on pair of orange shorts, every flirty look, and every giggle that is designed to raise the tip to 25%. By design, every second of your semi-strip club experience should engage your eyes, then your brain, and then your wallet.

If you think you go to these places for the food, you’re lying to yourself.  Because the truth is, if an almost naked woman served you a steaming plate of elephant crap, your eyes would change that plate into a Martha Stewart display of chocolate chip cookies made with Jesus magic and unicorn hair. Maybe the food is good – maybe it’s not. Either way, unless you’re a eunuch, you have no way of discerning that.

But we haven’t really hit the main point yet, have we?  Because up until this time, it’s all been about the establishment and how it’s designed to fool you, which I hope you believe.  But at the end of the day, part of the price we pay for living in a wonderfully free society is that even a sleazy business can exist if it’s able to.

The real issue here is that it’s denigrating. To women? Yes, but that’s common knowledge and über obvious. So who else might it belittle, disparage, and generally just cheapen? You, Grown Man, you.

Oh god, you’re about to go deep, aren’t you?  I’ve read enough of these to know that you like to round third with some Montel Williams action.

Gentlemen, you’ve been designed well.  Your propensity for seeing a woman and recognizing that she’s lovely is part of who you are and shouldn’t be viewed as a bad thing.  When you’re single, you should harness that part of you just enough to notice that there’s something worth summoning up the courage, putting on your big-boy pants, and asking her out on a date. When you’re in a relationship, use your eyes to grow closer, to be more committed, and to appreciate her, and only her.  You’re not ADD, you’re hard wired to be a visual animal.  Honestly, it’s a good thing.

What’s not a good thing is that your eyes (and all they lead to) are being fooled by semi-strip clubs.  Because you, me, all of us, are just dumb enough to think that maybe, just maybe, the giggle was real, the flirting was genuine, and that she’s super stoked about bringing you – wow, YOU – extra blue cheese.  Guess what, she’s not – no more than you care about the spreadsheet you created 2 days ago at work. She’s not remembering the dude who was super nice 2 hours ago. She’s working, and you’re doing a disservice to yourself by thinking otherwise.

In closing, let me say this: good chicken wings are a staple of any man’s diet.  If you’re mourning the loss of your favorite place because I’ve guilted you into submission, here’s what you need to do: find a local, Italian owned, pizza place that sells wings.  I can assure you, wings from a Mario Brother will put Hoo[no lawsuit]rs to shame.

You’re a Grown Man, quit going to semi-strip clubs.

29 Responses to “quit going to semi-strip clubs.”

  1. Anonymous Cheese Fries Lover 8 October 2010 at 9:42 am #

    Well said GM. My actual only complaint is the loss of the delicious fries and cheese dip. If someone, anyone, could point me to a delicious replacement, this post won’t guilt me in the least.

    • Anonymous Cheese Fries Lover 8 October 2010 at 9:43 am #

      And I say “anonymous” because I feel like there should be a support club for those of us who eat cheesy fries.

      • You're a Grown Man 8 October 2010 at 11:37 am #

        ACFL,

        You’ve brought up a heck of a point. I’d say a good place to getting “cheesy fries” recommendations might be the cardiac arrest ward of the local hospital.

        Thanks for reading, ACFL, you’re a good man.

        -GM

  2. Sholeh 8 October 2010 at 10:09 am #

    Thank you for bringing up the point that it isn’t only degrading to women. When we recognize the nobility of women AND men, we’ll be a lot further along. 🙂 Good one!

    • You're a Grown Man 8 October 2010 at 11:38 am #

      “When we recognize the nobility of woman AND men…”

      Well put, thank you!

      As always, Sholeh, you’re ever so helpful.

  3. JF 8 October 2010 at 11:01 am #

    Grown Man,

    Hypothetical: It’s 1965 and Lane Pryce invites you to the Playboy Club in New York City to see Ray Charles perform live. In or out?

    • You're a Grown Man 8 October 2010 at 11:40 am #

      Out.

      But I cry in my office, have a scotch (or two), and see if Don and Rodger are up for oysters.

      • JF 8 October 2010 at 12:30 pm #

        Sorry Lane; I gotta see about an oyster…

  4. de.construct.ion 8 October 2010 at 11:25 am #

    I appreciate this blog more than I can even express. I had a situation over the summer that really upset me (wrote about it in my blog actually) where we went to one of these places for my friend’s birthday and I just felt so out of place and so uncomfortable and it really hurt my feelings. I’m so happy that there are grown men out there who understand the problem with it.

  5. Aimee Piper 8 October 2010 at 11:44 am #

    Three cheers, Grown Man – if I could I’d shake your hand.

  6. Amy 8 October 2010 at 1:44 pm #

    I really like how you turned this argument around and didn’t just spout the same ole” “it’s disrespectful to women” rhetoric. It is disrespectful to everyone involved and it’s awesome that you pointed this out.
    Don’t feel sorry for the women that work there – they know what they are doing and make good money doing it. Feel sorry for yourself because you feel the need to visit such a place to fill some need (other than hunger).
    Excellent post!

    • You're a Grown Man 8 October 2010 at 2:12 pm #

      Thank you, Amy. I’m glad you thought the post had merit and, as always, really appreciate you reading the blog and taking the time to comment.

  7. d.i.y. 8 October 2010 at 2:06 pm #

    And just like that, Bam! You nailed it.

    Bravo GM you are tackling an issue most people can’t man up to. Serious, bravo.

    You want wings? Make em at home with your family or your bros. The grocer has tons of wing sauces.

  8. Coco 8 October 2010 at 3:03 pm #

    Welcome back GM!

    Another post full of sage advice and general hilarity. Thank you.

    Besides, the chicken wings at {name redacted to avoid lawyers} are *terrible*. The food stinks. So if you’re still telling yourself that you can’t live without “{afraid of lawyers} food”, you are simply leading yourself down a greasy, rubbery primrose path.

  9. Cupcake 8 October 2010 at 4:18 pm #

    Grown Man, if you weren’t married, I would propose in this comment box. As it is, I’d happily buy you, and Mrs. Grown Man, a big basket of wings in an Italian pizza place of your choice.

    Thank you for being a voice of sanity in a world that’s trying to rob men (and women) of their self-respect. Keep up the great work!

  10. Strick 8 October 2010 at 6:32 pm #

    Because you, me, all of us, are just dumb enough to think that maybe, just maybe, the giggle was real, the flirting was genuine, and that she’s super stoked about bringing you – wow, YOU – extra blue cheese.  Guess what, she’s not – no more than you care about the spreadsheet you created 2 days ago at work

    I do agree with you but that statement is just not true, I know plenty of guys with the “game” to actually go and date these girls. That may not make them grown men, rather just a guy looking for something but nonetheless, you can get girl by going to semi strip clubs, you never know where you’ll meet the one 😉

  11. Barry 9 October 2010 at 10:10 pm #

    Excellent work here.

  12. Wing-lover 12 October 2010 at 11:00 am #

    Grown Man,

    Very good. I appreciate your prudishness on this. Our society has gotten too fast and loose with appropriate sexuality.

    Two notes:
    1. I really do like the wings. I’ve considered ordering them carry-out before. Seriously, some people really may just like the wings. I guess your point, though, is the same as for the Ray Charles performance at the Playboy Club – gotta stay away because of greater principles. Good point. Well taken.
    2. I’d love to see your thoughts on what movies are appropriate for Grown Men to watch. Same thing? If they put a naked woman on screen to turn you on, you have no business being there??

  13. onelifereminder 12 October 2010 at 11:21 am #

    Thank you for all your posts giving me new dating criteria for my next relationship. I can’t thank you enough for this blog, Grown Man. 🙂

  14. ashleyhh 14 October 2010 at 6:17 pm #

    This post was interesting to me. Where I see your point, I can’t help but laugh. As self degrading as it could possibly beto men and women, I don’t think it always is. My family, who are church going, Word living, Christians, used to frequent one of these restaurants. I never thought it was weird… just a silly uniform… and heck, way to be comfortable in your own skin! We used to go there because it was a place my little brother could be loud but we could still go out to eat. We could watch sports. And the girls are obviously going to be nice to little kids… so as I grew up, it didn’t ever really seem bad to go there. Just thought I would offer another perspective. =)

    With that being said, men ARE visual beings… and if you know a place like that could potentially make your mind and/or heart wander… stay out… otherwise, I don’t see a problem.

  15. Tiny 15 October 2010 at 3:10 pm #

    Sir,

    I am normally a GM groupie, however I must disagree with you here. When men see the women at a certian aviary known for orange shorts and the like, there is most defiantly a sexual conitation. I however would like to present the following point:

    $11.99 all you can eat wings.

    I think that it is ok if you can seperate the sexual out of it. Given my history with volleyball, and her players, I can. And if we take a good look at self controll we could all have this idea.

  16. Wingy 18 October 2010 at 10:08 pm #

    Well it sounds to me like all we are really after are the great wings. Someone should steal the wing recipe from a strip club and open up a normal restaurant that will attract millions!

    • You're a Grown Man 18 October 2010 at 10:31 pm #

      And this coming from someone named Wingy! Great comment, thank you.

  17. lookingforsomethingtofind 18 October 2010 at 11:31 pm #

    Funny story involving (a place with an owl logo, wings and padded bras), I was six at the time, and me, my grandmother, and mother were on vacation, now both of them are horrible ignorant about pop-culture, even more than me, which is saying something.

    So we see the place with an owl logo and my mother assumes it is a nature themed restaurant. Awkwardness ensues.

    I’m not so sure these places are that bad, they have never been my cup of tea personally. But as long as everyone knows it’s all fake and pretend, and she really doesn’t think your a wonderful customer. It’s all well and good. Maybe you are single, and had a bad day, and just feel like relaxing, and not thinking, being complimented by women and eating platefuls of wings. (I have never been to such a place after the story above, it would be to weird remembering that, and being someone who has gone though puberty and had those special changes happen to my brain, not something I want to inflict upon my psyche)

    I second GMs, find a local Italian place for wings. There is something about being a regular with a small business that feels nice, it can be like the chit chat at a barber shop. Also those wings knock the padded bra place’s out of the water. You don’t feel kinda pathetic afterward, and there is something nice about how wholesome it is. Also one cannot overlook the sports bar, which if you ask me, is a much better way to relax, eating nachos, having a few brews, and watching the game.

    Ray Charles though, I mean Ray Charles, that is tempting.

  18. Raf 14 November 2010 at 11:13 am #

    For once (ok, twice), I have to disagree with you GM.
    I think this kind of places are nice, if you know what you are paying for and agree with the price. Men is a visual human being, I agree, so I don’t think it’s wrong to just please your eyes, while drinking cold beers and spicy wings. Sometimes you just want to be fooled. Deep inside you know it’s all a game, but you just accept it for what it is.
    Other than that, great blog of yours here, lots of insightful information and a great sense of humor.

  19. TJ 5 October 2012 at 10:26 am #

    First of all I know I am late to the party, but WOW! This must be a site for Christian men trying to be the best Christians they can be. I must say I try to be the best I can also, but come on. Stop going to semi strip clubs? How is it degrading to me as a man? And believe it or not the women that work at places like that are a reflection of most women in our society. They are being nice to you because they want some thing. MONEY! Show me a mass group of women that that does not apply to. This just sound like some holier than thou type stuff. Most of the Men on here that agree with you, after they logged off your blog went to Pornhub.com. Any anybody that thinks I’m lying obviously lives a very sheltered life. So lets take it a step further. Stop watching football, they have cheerleaders. Don’t go to the beach, they were bikinis. And just don’t watch TV at all. And the last thing i will say to all of you “I don’t go to semi strip clubs” guys is. Do you really watch beach volleyball because you love the sport?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: