Ask a Grown Man: Vol. III

1 Jul

“Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends.”  There were so many awesome questions this week (and I wrote for freaking ever in response to them), that we’re doing a two-part Ask A Grown Man.  Part one, here we go…


How does the Grown Man have the “DTR” talk? (define the relationship) Does the gentleman initiate the conversation, and what should it entail?

Thanks for keeping us in line and reflecting on how to stay a step above the rest.


Mr. Touchy Feely,

Ah yes, the fabled DTR.  For those of you readers who don’t know what a DTR is, allow me to explain.  A DTR is a conversation between a man and a woman where they Define The Relationship.  DTR’s usually serve one of three purposes: to solidify a budding romance, to take a relationship to the next level, or to break up.  Research shows that DTRs seem to happen in the middle of the night, at random places, with little forethought and a ton of overly dramatic conversations like:

Budding romance

Woman: “So what are we? [gaze into each others eyes, kiss for 2 hours, talk about dad issues]
: “I guess we’re [tears well up]…I guess we’re –  us.”


Taking it to the next level

Man: “So, um, well, what kind of guy are you thinking you’ll want to marry someday? I mean, I know you’re not there now, but someday, would he be somebody that’s, I don’t know, like, cool? Or maybe…[trails off]
“I like you.”

Oh shiz, son – it’s ON!


Man: “I just feel like I’m not ready to be married right now.”
“But we’ve only been dating for two weeks?”
“I love you too much to hurt you down the road, I care about you enough to end things now before I hurt you anymore.”
“Thank you?”

Anonymous, if that is your real name, a Grown Man has a few very important responsibilities within the parameters of the DTR.  First, if he’s going to open that door, he’s got to walk through it.  If you’re going to DTR a budding romance (yes, that’s proper grammar), make sure you’re willing to actually date the lady in waiting. Guys have an insatiable appetite for the hunt and they freaking love knowing that a girl’s on the hook. However, all too often they stop after […kiss for 2 hours, talk about dad issues] and leave the now exposed (get your mind out the gutter) woman waiting for a reply.  Not cool. If you’re going to go there – go there.

Second, make sure that these conversations don’t get out of hand.  Relationships, like Mogwai’s, really shouldn’t be fed after midnight. And while I know you can’t always stop the train, just do your best to keep it from leaving the station.  As a rule, try to avoid DTRs when someone’s sick, sad about something else, tired, or generally not 100%. When we get deep during an already stressful time, we end up tacking on other emotions that have nothing to do with the actual relationship.  If you’re lucky enough to have this conversation at a time where both of you are in a good head space, the harvest will be bountiful.  Also, don’t get water or sun on the Mogwai – just a helpful tip.

Finally, don’t DTR every freaking day.  DTRs become a drug, a drug that fuels our ego, low self-esteem, and desire to be wanted.  DTRs, and I mean the good, long, DTRs need to be reserved for times when the ball is actually going to be moved forward in the relationship – not when you need a hit of self-confidence.  There’s a fine line between DTR and STR (smothering).

Anonymous, I hope this helps.  Thanks so much for submitting a great question!

Bright light! Bright light!,

What should a woman do about a man who refuses to talk on the phone and only communicates via Text messages? I’m not sure if you’ve already touched on this subject or not, but I’d surely like your opinion!



And while you’re running, try to dodge his girlfriend or wife.

I’m not kidding,

More tomorrow, thanks for reading!

9 Responses to “Ask a Grown Man: Vol. III”

  1. Bramanm 1 July 2010 at 2:31 pm #

    LOL Yeah if he can’t take 5 minutes to actually speak to you, it’s because his wife and/or GF is with him. That’s how I did it at least. When I was single I talked to all the women I was interested in but once I DTRd with one lady (NICE acronym BTW) I sent out only texts. “I’m not available” ended a lot of possible problems.

  2. mct88 1 July 2010 at 4:10 pm #

    Aspiring GM’s, I must say DTR talks are to be done AFTER you’ve figured out what you want to do with your “lady friend”.

    If you’re still trying to figure out– she’s worth it? if you like her enough? etc, etc. Do not DARE drag us along as you try to figure things out. You have no idea how much your lady friend can handle and you do not want to find out the hard way.

    OMG-he only communicates via text? What are you doing STILL giving him the time of day?!

    GM, great answers as usual!

    • You're a Grown Man 1 July 2010 at 6:04 pm #

      Preach it, mct88! While I fear you speak from experience, I value your great insight into the matter.

      Thanks for the good P.S. to this post.

  3. lookingforsomethingtofind 2 July 2010 at 12:08 am #

    If you ever date a crazy chick, DTR is like walking a mine field in spiked snow shoes. Every single word needs to thought out. Learned that one the hard way. I agree 100 percent as usual with the text message thing.

  4. Debbie 2 July 2010 at 3:15 pm #

    I loved your reply to the only communicates via text message issue. That was my first thought (nearly verbatim) before I read your reply. 🙂

  5. thehungrydude 5 July 2010 at 6:27 pm #

    As a new reader and fellow GM in the making, I’ve been truly blessed by your entries sir. 🙂

  6. QueenPinky 7 July 2010 at 10:20 pm #

    LMAO at the question about the texts. I have a dude-friend like that but I have to say, I almost prefer talking to him via text and IM and not by phone cuz he has the weirdest voice and nervous speech. It’s like he gets more confident via text and our conversations have more substance when they are typed out. We’re pretty close friends now so if he’s married I’m sure he’ll let me kno.

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