get your facial hair under control.

28 Jun

I’ve gotten more emails about this topic than anything else.  And guess what, most of them are from women!  I wonder if that means anything?  Huh.  Maybe our lady-friends are trying to tell us something? Oh no, it must be a coincidence.  Anyhow, here’s a typical email I receive:

“Dearest Grown Man,  I imagine that you’re smooth like Barry, and your voice has bass, you’ve got a body like Arnold with a Denzel face. Anyhow, my boyfriend has this terribly scraggly beard, can you tell him he has to shave it?

Shoop,
Pepa”

Gentlemen, your follicles are becoming your foe.  The woman in your life are telling you so, Don Draper’s telling you so, and now – I’m telling you so.  Facial hair is not a means of self-expression, it’s one of the few options your body gives you to subtly manipulate an otherwise lackluster appearance.  It’s time to learn the rules:

1- You must give your face daily attention.  Many of the men I know go a week, or tragically a month, between giving their face any mind.  They seem to think it’s subtly growing out and nobody notices.  Let me assure you, we notice.  The reason you don’t see it is the same reason you don’t notice that the trash is full, the dog hasn’t been fed in two days, and the children appear to not be wearing pants as you’re driving to the store.  You, my good men, have a one track mind.  On a typical day, you have a very narrow focus:  get up, coffee, work, soccer practice, food, History Channel, sleep.  What I’m telling you is that somewhere between “get up” and “coffee”, you need to check a mirror and manicure your mug.

2- Mind your fads.  Back in the day, when Magnum was chillin’ with Zeus and Apollo, mustaches were awesome.  I’m not going to mock the mustache as, at a point in our history (key word: history), it was acceptable to get married, interview, and live life with a caterpillar on your upper lip.  However, times have changed, and you need to progress.  While I can’t begin to name all the fads in mens facial hair, I will say that a few of recently deceased are:  goatees, soul patches, and fat-guy-neck-beards.

3- Febru-hairy, no-shave-Novermber, etc. are not going to get you a job or lady-friend.  Now listen, I’m not going to get intense on this point and say you can never do it.  I’ve got some really respectable friends who take to growing a handlebar mustache once a year or stop shaving for a period of time to get a laugh.  Believe me, I get it.  However, these are periods of time – not the default.  By default, your facial hair needs to be tidy and unnoticeable.

4-  If you’re dating/married, ask her opinion – her honest opinion.  If she says something like, “Oh, I guess, um, yeah, I like your beard the way it is. It’s really cool how you can tuck it into your belt when we go on roller coasters.  I’d just love to see what it might look like if it was just at your chest though.  I mean, you could still tuck it into your ZZ Top t-shirt when we go to Six Flags.”   I’ve said this before, but when you decide to pair-up with someone, you’re representing them.  You don’t have to lose your individuality, but you do need to find a balance.

5-  Really, the only facial hair options are a full, well trimmed, beard – or nothing.  At the end of the day, everything else is just a look that’s really not helping your cause.  Just suck it up already and do what you know you need to do.

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

23 Responses to “get your facial hair under control.”

  1. thoughtsappear 28 June 2010 at 9:57 am #

    I hate the “scratchies”as I like to call them. “Tuck it into your belt when we go on reollercoasters” almost made me spit out my drink!

    • You're a Grown Man 28 June 2010 at 10:09 am #

      I love spit-takes! Good luck with “the scratchies” – they’re the worst (on women and men).

      • thoughtsappear 2 July 2010 at 7:08 am #

        Do you have business cards? At a bar last night, I saw 4 men who desperately needed to read this post.

  2. Heather 28 June 2010 at 10:43 am #

    The roller coaster ride analogy still has me laughing, too. But, I think this might be the first GM post I differ views on. I know I’m probably in the minority, but I like facial hair–on men. Or not. Guess it’s a non issue for me, unless, of course, the hairy faced man hasn’t bathed in days and has a nest of robins hiding out somewhere inside…

    • You're a Grown Man 28 June 2010 at 1:52 pm #

      I was afraid of this. #4 and #5 on my list sort of collide. Because a nice guy might meet a Heather who loves that he has to put his beard over his shoulder when he puts on his boots, but then, he’s in clear violation of #5.

      Gentlemen, if you’re lucky enough to have a Heather in your life, ignore #5 and grow that beard! Just make sure you trim/braid/dread it for a job interview.

  3. Coco 28 June 2010 at 10:52 am #

    “I’d just love to see what it might look like if it was just at your chest though. I mean, you could still tuck it into your ZZ Top t-shirt when we go to Six Flags.”

    This made me laugh VERY loudly. Better than coffee for a wake-up!

    I do think certain men can get away with a mustache. Sam Elliott springs to mind.

    However, there is a giant chasm between the dignified looks of Mr. Elliott and, say, a ratty growth that looks like a rooster went at one’s face with a hedge clipper. I’d venture to say that part of being a Grown Man is knowing the difference.

    • You're a Grown Man 28 June 2010 at 2:01 pm #

      Coco, while I agree that Sam Elliott can rock the mustache like nobodies business, I think the only reason he can pull it off because we all picture Virgil when we see him.

      And I agree, a hedge clipping rooster is nothing that anyone wants to be a part of.

      • Coco 28 June 2010 at 9:35 pm #

        I do have a weakness for Virgil.

  4. gaspody 28 June 2010 at 2:03 pm #

    “Under control”
    I like this so much.

  5. lookingforsomethingtofind 28 June 2010 at 3:25 pm #

    I’m a mustache guy. I honestly can say I look allot better with it than without. Some people do. The trick is ti keep it well trimmed. A trimmer is a must. I have sadly tried to pull of the worst facial hair ever, the mutton chips, they make anyone one look like a low rent strip club owner. Worst facial hair idea ever.

    Also the roller coaster refreance reminded me of a story. I was on a coaster, and infront of me was a guy with a toupee, I know it was a toupee since it flew off during the ride.

    • You're a Grown Man 1 July 2010 at 6:34 pm #

      NO WAY! It really flew off? That’s fantastic and so cliche I can’t believe it.

      At the end of the day, Looking, you’ve got to like what you see. Rock that mustache, brother.

  6. jfuzzy 28 June 2010 at 6:09 pm #

    Don’t tell these guys from the 2010 National Beard & Moustache Nationals http://www.flickr.com/photos/wrongdude/sets/72157623878381773/

    • You're a Grown Man 1 July 2010 at 6:35 pm #

      You know what, if you’re entering contests for your beard – all bets are off and none of the rules apply to you!

  7. Ashley 28 June 2010 at 10:25 pm #

    I like shaved look on men. They complain that it makes them look 12 years old, but a hairy face makes them look 45.

  8. pbandchutney 29 June 2010 at 11:04 am #

    idea for your next post – get your nails in check. on my way into work this morning, the radio station was talking about embarrassing sex stories and one girl had to get stitches because she was sliced by the dude’s toenail!! First of all, ew. Second of all, how long was that sucker!! (that’s what she said).

    as far as facial hair, i’m a fan of the scruffy-ive-been-in-the-woods-for-weeks look, until it starts to feel itchy against my skin. then its time for it to go!

  9. Debbie 29 June 2010 at 2:38 pm #

    I think the key is “under control”. I like facial hair on some men. As long as it’s not stupid, it’s clean, and well maintained. i.e. under control.
    Now you’re making me want to write a blog article about my husband’s facial hair. I’m not sure that would go over very well with him. LOL! Hmmmm…. I’ll have to think about that.

  10. Ashley 8 July 2010 at 10:26 pm #

    I second on addressing the fingernails issue!

    Also, this line was perfect: “…when you decide to pair-up with someone, you’re representing them.” I am so using that on my husband to get rid of some of his ratty old shirts!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Hubby’s facial hair. « www.DorkyDeb.com - 29 June 2010

    […] June 29, 2010 — Debbie Grown Man wrote a cool blog entry today about facial hair, Get Your Facial Hair Under Control. And it got me thinking about the nuances of men’s facial hair, particularly my […]

  2. » Hubby’s facial hair. DorkyDeb.com - 28 January 2011

    […] Man wrote a cool blog entry yesterday about facial hair, Get Your Facial Hair Under Control. And it got me thinking about the nuances of men’s facial hair, particularly my […]

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