care about the environment.

11 Jun

I have a theory that once-a-week the trash man puts a gigantic “We-Cycle” magnet over the “Kill Everything” logo that’s usually on the side of his truck. Then, he drives around and picks up the little blue bins of faithfully sorted cans and newspapers and heads directly for – wait for it – the dump. I am crazy, I admit it, but tell me you haven’t considered that?

However, I keep sorting those recyclables, taking them out to the curb (usually when I hear the truck down the street), and feeling the distinct sense of pride that maybe, just maybe, a baby seal won’t choke to death on my Dogfish Head bottle.

Very few issues have polarized the great Grown Men I’ve known more than the environment. I’ve found that there are three categories of environmentalism:

The Rush to Judgements: “All this greenhouse talk is just Chicken Little nonsense! I’ll feed a dolphin styrofoam if I want to!”

The Composters: “We must do everything in our power to address and fix The Inconvenient Truth that human beings are killing the planet! Where’s your cloth shopping bag?!”

Yet many men, a majority in fact, don’t give the environment a second thought, I call them…

The Blank Slates: “Oh my god, bro, we have to do this – Mustache May is going to be SICK!”

Well done guys.

As a side note, all three of these categories of men agree that 1.7 million gallons of BP oil a day into the Gulf of Mexico probably isn’t good for the complexion of turtles. Moving on…

This rest of this post is for the Blank Slates. Why? Because the Rush’s and the Composters have placed such a firmly cemented ideological flag that they can’t be spoken to about this topic. But the Blank Slates, oh the dear, sweet, Blank Slates, those guys will believe anything! “Bro, that girl’s checking you out!” “Bro, I bet you can hit the pool if you jump!” “Bro, that Chocolate Axe is tiiiight!”

Blank Slates, let’s establish the bottom line – the environment is real. How do we know that? Because you’re breathing, eating fruit (loops), and alive. Good, so that’s out of the way. And gentlemen, it’s probably a good idea for you to do everything you can to be a good steward of the environment.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Grown Bro – what the hell’s a steward?”

I’m so sorry. A steward is someone who maintains, manages, and takes care of something. For instance, when you go home from college for a weekend and yell for your mom to bring you “grape soda and Funyuns – ASAP!”, that’s her being a steward to you. When you have to take attendance at your chapter meetings, that’s you being a steward to your “sweet as hell fraternity”. I’ll put it more simply – steward = helper.

Here’s the bottom line: Help out the environment. Maybe it needs it and The Composters are right, maybe The Rush’s are spot-on and we don’t understand the regenerative powers of our planet and all our Y2K-ness just comical. Either way, if you have an option to recycle, why not do it? Maybe my aforementioned conspiracy theory is correct, but maybe it’s actually being recycled – what difference does it make to you? Let’s error on the side of being helpful and not ideological.

Plus, Grown Women will think you’re super in-touch with yourself and enlightened – which can’t hurt your chances.

19 Responses to “care about the environment.”

  1. Katie 11 June 2010 at 9:23 am #

    LOVE Dogfish Head. Have you seen Beer Wars? The Dogfish Head owner guy is so cool and talks like keanu reeves. but smarter!

    And, I love this post. Be good to the earth guys 🙂

    • You're a Grown Man 11 June 2010 at 9:26 am #

      Yes, I thought Beer Wars was awesome and totally broke me of anything but privately owned, high-quality beer. Dogfish is incredible, have you tried their “Fort”? It’s an experience.

      Thanks for reading and commenting, Katie!

  2. eva3402 11 June 2010 at 10:54 am #

    I’ve been reading your blog and enjoying the heck out of it since it was on Freshly Pressed, but today, it made me feel like crap. I’ve been working for one of the major players in the waste industry for seven years. I totally get that this is satire, but why do you have to even joke that garbage companies are out to “kill everything”? We’re the ones cleaning up the mess that everyone else made.

    You might think me a bit sensitive for a Grown Woman, but that really discouraged me. There is a great deal of passion in our industry about minimizing landfill use, maximizing recycling, and educating industries on waste avoidance so that less waste is created in the first place. There are projects in place at landfills to capture landfill gas and reuse it as a power source, even repurposing it as a fuel for our trucks. Today there is a movement toward single stream recycling, in which the consumer doesn’t have to sort recyclables anymore because people are hired to sort them at the recycling centers. Some of the innovations are truly fantastic.

    This is what we dedicate our day-to-day lives to. Please think twice – conspiracy theories aren’t for Grown Men.

    • You're a Grown Man 11 June 2010 at 11:38 am #


      I am sorry. You’ve made excellent and convincing points. My intention (though clearly not articulated) was to call the garbage producers out – not the people who handle our waste. “Kill Everything” was supposed to be (again, not so much) a joke about how people will mindlessly create waste without thought to the consequences.

      Please know that I respect the men and women who cart my junk away and do the best they can to respect the environment – even when I’m not.

      I truly appreciate your readership and willingness to call me out while remaining gracious. I am sorry I offended you.

      Regards, GM

      • eva3402 11 June 2010 at 3:10 pm #

        Accepted, and whole-heartedly. Thank you for hearing me out and “getting” what I needed to say.

        I’m loving your blog and will remain a loyal reader!

  3. Coco 11 June 2010 at 11:30 am #

    “Grown Bro” and “Bring Funyuns and grape soda stat!” are my hilarity winners for today’s post.

    • You're a Grown Man 11 June 2010 at 11:39 am #

      I had to look up how to spell Funyuns…the “u” caught me off guard. I’m really glad you thought it was funny.

      Thanks for reading and commenting, Coco.

  4. lookingforsomethingtofind 11 June 2010 at 7:39 pm #

    First of all thumbs up for the dogfish ale reference, nothing like their 60 minute brew with a good steak.If Theodore Roosevelt and Ernest Hemingway cared about the environment, well that makes the environment a macho thing to care about.Spot on grown man.

    • You're a Grown Man 12 June 2010 at 6:14 pm #

      “If Theodore Roosevelt and Ernest Hemingway…” Holy crap, they are two of my biggest hero’s and I never put this point together – well done!

      And yes, Dogfish 60 min. is crazy-delicious with a good steak. Although, is anything not good with Dogfish or good steak?

      Thank, as always, LookingForSomethingToFind.

  5. drumstudent81 11 June 2010 at 9:16 pm #

    I remember a guy say to me (jokingly) that if he could start a theme park it would be one where people could come and harpoon manatees. Anyway, good post. I use cloth grocery bags but I’m not a “Composter”. I also recycle and I took my old mercury thermostat to a special hazardous waste center. Speaking of mercury, did you know that all those compact fluorescent bulbs contain mercury and you cannot just throw them away? I’m not sure if the energy savings outweighs the popularization of toxic household items. Maybe we should go back to lead-based paint.

    • You're a Grown Man 12 June 2010 at 6:17 pm #

      Oh heck yeah, lead-based paint must make a comeback, along with those old McDonald’s styrofoam boxes.

      You’re the man, drumstudent81. I can’t wait to ride the Manatee ride.

  6. Wally 12 June 2010 at 9:42 pm #

    totally agree with you!
    question: How can i get my gf to start working out? Love her the way she is, but it would be better for me (if you know what i mean) if she was more athletic…
    keep up the great work!

    • You're a Grown Man 13 June 2010 at 7:50 am #

      Wally, I’m starting an “Ask a Grown Man” segment this week. I would encourage you to re-ask this question in that forum when it starts. I can guarantee you that this question will be chosen.

      Thanks for reading and, as a small piece of advice – SAY NOTHING TO YOUR GF ABOUT HER BEING MORE ATHLETIC UNTIL I ANSWER THE QUESTION!

      • Wally 13 June 2010 at 1:48 pm #

        Hahahahahahaha will sure ask you again, thanks! 😀

  7. pbandchutney 14 June 2010 at 12:58 am #

    Great post GM… good reminder to men that they’re not pansies for caring about the planet that’s going to shit.

    • You're a Grown Man 16 June 2010 at 12:36 pm #

      Pbandchutney, I’m continually worried that you won’t express how you’re really feeling about a situation. Please, use this as a space to open up.

  8. Cookie 15 June 2010 at 12:51 pm #

    OK- so if he’s one of your heroes…why aren’t the Theodore Roosevelt biographies by Edmund Morris on your reading list for grown men? They should be! These are great books even for non-book history nerds. My grown man even loved the Birthplace of TR museum in NYC…you should check it out.

    • You're a Grown Man 16 June 2010 at 12:48 pm #

      When I’m in NYC, I’ll totally check it out. Also, I don’t really know why those biographies weren’t included in “you’ve got to read books”. It’s hard though because recommending books is like trying to find the best pint of water in the ocean.

      That, my friend, was a terrible simile – but I’m going with it.

      Thanks for the good suggestion and for reading.

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