get over your fear of feminine hygiene.

3 Jun

Grown Men, I’m about to say some things that you may not like.

credit: staceyrebecca.etsy.com

In fact, I’m going to say something right now, wait for it, steady!, NOW – tampon. Zoinks, this is going to be a long post.

The truth is, men have an inherent fear of the normal, day-to-day functioning of a women’s body. I believe this fear comes from not understanding how it all works, why it’s happening, and, more egotistically, how it benefits you. Fear, my good men, leads to the dark side – let’s talk it out.

Grown Man, tell me you’re not about to try to explain periods and tampons?! Seriously, I sorta’ like your blog and this isn’t cool.

Yes, I am. I don’t know much, but I know enough to not be grossed out. I’ve got a responsibility to help men, let’s freaking do this.

Periods: From what I can gather from middle school filmstrips and YM “Say Anythings”, every month a woman goes into auto-clean mode. This built-in self-cleaning cycle allows her to get a new egg ready for, what will ultimately be, a lonely month in the oven. If by some chance that egg were to meet up with your contribution, there might be a baby. But, because she can’t find a Grown freaking Man to open her door or be respectful, the egg has to get flushed out so that the next one can do its time in purgatory

Tampons, pads, etc.: Oh boy, I’m kind of getting the heebie-jeebies now…but we must press on. Remember what we just talked about during the Period section? Well, when the auto-clean mode kicks in, those voted off the island must go somewhere. Oh lord, I’m done.

Actually, one more thing. When your lady-friend asks you to go to the store for [insert uncomfortable term], you’ve got to go. You’re embarrassed because you think the 2am shoppers are laughing at you – they’re not. Nor is the clerk who checks you out, the bag boy who insists on helping you out to your car, or the police officer that pulls you over. Trust me on this, nobody cares.

Here’s your homework:

-Sometime this week, find a reason to refer to both periods and tampons in a conversation. Don’t start with, “Hey, I’d really like to affirm your period and offer you this tampon as a token of my newfound adulthood.” That’s just odd. But do your best to normalize these words in your day-to-day conversation.

-Go to your local store during peak hours, pick out your favorite brand of feminine hygiene products, put them in your cart, and walk around for a while. Also, you don’t have to buy them unless you want to put them all over your roommates truck as a joke. Please send pictures of you walking around the store like a Grown Freaking Man. I’ll post the “best of” next week. You’ll win nothing.

Whew, I’m glad that post is behind us. Thanks for reading.

45 Responses to “get over your fear of feminine hygiene.”

  1. pbandchutney 3 June 2010 at 10:15 am #

    I’m going to have my husband read this and see if he’s up for the challenge… stay tuned.

  2. mdw1978 3 June 2010 at 10:25 am #

    Too funny! I love how you aid, auto-clean! lol

    • kherynn 3 June 2010 at 10:43 am #

      LOL I wish i was home laughing loudly instead of trying to hide guffaws. I think I’ll ask my male colleagues the next time we do some shopping at the nearby shop. Maybe my oldest nephew (15) would find that funny too.

      In any case, I love the “technical approach”.

    • You're a Grown Man 7 June 2010 at 11:36 pm #

      Sadly, that was the best term I could come up with.

  3. jc61985 3 June 2010 at 10:35 am #

    haha love it! Just found your blog. I still remember the first time my husband had to go buy me tampons, maybe this will help train a few before they get married! 🙂

    • You're a Grown Man 7 June 2010 at 11:37 pm #

      You’re husband is a good dude. I bet he got tons of other stuff just so he could surround the “goods” in the cart until checkout.

  4. Lori 3 June 2010 at 10:57 am #

    Just found your blog. Love it. My husband refuses to purchase my supplies.

    • You're a Grown Man 7 June 2010 at 11:42 pm #

      Well, Lori, I’m sorry he doesn’t purchase your supplies. In fairness though, do you purchase his supplies? When was the last time you came home with weed-whacker line, Robocop on DVD, and cool ranch Doritos?

      Thanks for reading, Lori.

  5. Pop 3 June 2010 at 11:36 am #

    Grown man? Your homework is teetering dangerously between grown man and whipped man. 😛 For example, I don’t mind going out to shop for my wife’s feminine needs, but tell me why most people in the store, including women, look at me like I’m whipped. I think one guy even made the Chandler Bing “Whoopa” sound.

    • You're a Grown Man 3 June 2010 at 12:13 pm #

      I have two theories:

      1- You’re projecting your feelings of being whipped on to them which would make you feel like they’re feeling something they aren’t. Um, what did I just say?

      2- You truly are whipped which, as I’ll explain in a forthcoming post, isn’t the worlds worst thing.

      Great comments, as always!

  6. perpetuallypeeved 3 June 2010 at 11:47 am #

    Love your blog. But, going to have to disagree with you here. There needs to be some things in a relationship that remain a mystery. This is one of them. You only need to know what time of the month to bring home the wine and chocolate. I’ve got the rest. As a side note, I’m seriously worried about that Etsy crafter’s mental health… who even thinks of something like that?

    • wolfdog 3 June 2010 at 12:16 pm #

      Are you kidding? I *love* that the Etsy crafter thought of it. I wish my mom had had one of those when I was learning about my “auto-clean” cycle.

    • You're a Grown Man 3 June 2010 at 12:19 pm #

      You know what, that’s a fair point, Perpetually Peeved. I’ll think about privacy in future posts.

      Also, I don’t know the Etsy crafter, but it seems like she has a keen sense of humor.

  7. Prexus Swyftwynd 3 June 2010 at 12:06 pm #

    LOL – this is awesome, to see another man who has the guts to talk about this 😛 I was pretty skeptical when I began my blog as a way to open up menstruation to the world of men and make it a worthy/educational discussion, but now I’m finding more guys are finally tuning in!

    This was a great post, I will have to reblog it (using the cool-new WordPress feature) on my next scheduled update! Cheers!!

    @Lori: This might give him some help if you ever kick him hard enough to make him go. I don’t think he’s allowed to “refuse” 😛

    http://meninmenstruation.wordpress.com/2010/01/02/men-guide-to-feminine-hygiene/

    I’m going to have to try the “Hey, I’d really like to affirm your period and offer you this tampon as a token of my newfound adulthood.” on my girlfriend and look at her reaction… HAHA!

    • You're a Grown Man 7 June 2010 at 11:45 pm #

      Prexus, thanks so much for the great comment. Also, the post that you linked was insanely informative, nice job. Good luck affirming your friends periods – you’re going to be very popular.

  8. Mel 3 June 2010 at 1:02 pm #

    Did you see that commercial where the girl on the bike asks the guy to go in and buy tampons for her?
    Amazing. I’m talking about a random guy she stops in front of a pharmacy.
    So good.

  9. Bonnie 3 June 2010 at 4:05 pm #

    I absolutely love your blog and the way you combine humor with truth. I’ve added you on my blogroll!! 🙂

  10. etcher101 3 June 2010 at 5:20 pm #

    OMG…I can’t breathe…auto-clean mode…LOL!!!

    • You're a Grown Man 3 June 2010 at 5:26 pm #

      I’m glad you thought that was okay, I really debated putting it in. But, at the end of the day, when I laugh – it gets in the blog.

      Thanks for reading!

  11. Alisa 3 June 2010 at 5:43 pm #

    You are officially my hero. (and for this, you are you on my RSS feed. <3)

    But at the same time, I know other fellow females that are embarrassed talking about their period. They won't say the word. And most of the females I know aren't 12 year old girls that just started gushing blood from their vagina and are still scared that their bladder is about to fall out or something equally unlikley. They're in their twenties that will still say things like, "oh, I can't go to the pool with you today because well, you know." It's not this doesn't happen to me every month.

    • You're a Grown Man 7 June 2010 at 11:49 pm #

      Wow.

      Well, I’m glad I’m your hero and that I made the RSS feed. However, I’m not glad you wrote, “…12 year old girls that just started gushing [oh god] blood from…” I’ve gotta quit. Zoinks.

      Anyhow, it’s helpful to know that some females are uncomfortable talking about it as well, it makes the rest of us not feel so bad.

      I really appreciated your comment, thanks for reading!

  12. jordanhickman 3 June 2010 at 6:58 pm #

    LOVE your blog. I’m hooked. I was telling my husband about this, and he’s apparently a grown man. Yes! I’m going to keep on reading!

  13. BeneathTheSpinLight 3 June 2010 at 7:18 pm #

    Officially added to my blog roll. Kudos. 🙂

  14. Ashley 3 June 2010 at 8:54 pm #

    Just as I was reading this post, a new U By Kotex commercial comes on, asking men to go into a store and buy tampons and then they ask what’s the big deal about tampons lol. Freakkky!

    Anyways, I LOVE this site. *Bookmarked*

    • You're a Grown Man 3 June 2010 at 9:12 pm #

      That IS strange, Ashley. So glad that I’m on the cutting edge of fem. hygiene advertisement.

      Thanks for reading and bookmarking, I appreciate it!

  15. Jenn 4 June 2010 at 9:27 am #

    I always suspected my husband was a fully grown man. Now I have proof.

    • You're a Grown Man 7 June 2010 at 11:50 pm #

      Nice job Jenn’s Grown Man husband! You’re wife thinks you’re awesome!

      Thanks for reading, Jenn.

      -Grownn Mann

  16. Coco 4 June 2010 at 11:13 am #

    Don’t start with, “Hey, I’d really like to affirm your period and offer you this tampon as a token of my newfound adulthood.” That’s just odd. But do your best to normalize these words in your day-to-day conversation.

    I totally snorted Diet Pepsi out my nose when I read this. Hilarious!

    • You're a Grown Man 4 June 2010 at 1:16 pm #

      First, making you expel Diet Pepsi while laughing is my highest goal. I’m so glad you thought it was funny.

      Second, as an avid Diet Pepsi drinker, I affirm your choice of beverage.

      Thanks for reading and commenting, Coco.

  17. Cassandra 4 June 2010 at 4:25 pm #

    I totally lost it at this line…

    “I’ve got a responsibility to help men, let’s freaking do this.”

    …though, you had me at ‘zoinks.’ LOL 😀

    • You're a Grown Man 4 June 2010 at 4:37 pm #

      Cassandra, there’s nothing I love more than being quoted on my own blog. My ego flares and I laugh out loud and my own greatness.

      Just playing. I really am glad you got a kick out of the post. Hopefully, there will be future laughter.

  18. kaykay 4 June 2010 at 7:02 pm #

    lol. I had noticed I ran out of tampons as a teenager once, just as my mothers boyfriend/stepdad called he was going to the shop. I asked him quite casually if he would bring me some back and was waiting for him to dodge out, but he just paused for a while and then said OK.
    When he came back he told me though that was the first time he ever handled a packet and boy, it was a bit awkward. I told him I was proud of him. 🙂
    (on a side note: this is 20 years ago…and the man was 55 then – so guys, maybe just get over it now ?)

    • You're a Grown Man 7 June 2010 at 11:53 pm #

      You’re mothers boyfriend sounds like a stand-up guy…what a cool move not freaking out and just helping when asked!

      And yes, you’d think after 20+ years of menstruation (not to mention the entire existence of our species) guys would be cool with this.

      Awesome comment, Kaykay – thanks!

  19. theboywhofoundfear 5 June 2010 at 12:27 pm #

    “Hey, I’d really like to affirm your period and offer you this tampon as a token of my newfound adulthood.” Brilliant!

    • You're a Grown Man 7 June 2010 at 11:54 pm #

      Don’t say it “theboywhofoundfear”, don’t say it!

      Thanks for reading, as always…

  20. sk8rrboi 5 June 2010 at 4:42 pm #

    yep,just brilliant. @fearboy. I’d have them read the blog first lest i get the *ur creeping me out* look

    • You're a Grown Man 7 June 2010 at 11:56 pm #

      Thanks, sk8rrboi and great call on the “ur creeping me out look”.

  21. mairzeebp 6 June 2010 at 1:39 am #

    …so the next one can do its time in purgatory…brilliant, I laughed out loud!! Thank you for that.

    • You're a Grown Man 7 June 2010 at 11:58 pm #

      Two things: One, I love that you laughed out loud – that’s the best compliment. Two, thanks for not abbreviating laughed out loud (lol), it’s just not cool.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. hearty magazine | BREAK THE CYCLE - 30 August 2010

    […] cereal, life insurance or maxi pads. But seriously, why hasn’t this been done before? Tampon fear is as old as […]

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