get over your fear of feminine hygiene.

Grown Men, I’m about to say some things that you may not like.

credit: staceyrebecca.etsy.com

In fact, I’m going to say something right now, wait for it, steady!, NOW – tampon. Zoinks, this is going to be a long post.

The truth is, men have an inherent fear of the normal, day-to-day functioning of a women’s body. I believe this fear comes from not understanding how it all works, why it’s happening, and, more egotistically, how it benefits you. Fear, my good men, leads to the dark side – let’s talk it out.

Grown Man, tell me you’re not about to try to explain periods and tampons?! Seriously, I sorta’ like your blog and this isn’t cool.

Yes, I am. I don’t know much, but I know enough to not be grossed out. I’ve got a responsibility to help men, let’s freaking do this.

Periods: From what I can gather from middle school filmstrips and YM “Say Anythings”, every month a woman goes into auto-clean mode. This built-in self-cleaning cycle allows her to get a new egg ready for, what will ultimately be, a lonely month in the oven. If by some chance that egg were to meet up with your contribution, there might be a baby. But, because she can’t find a Grown freaking Man to open her door or be respectful, the egg has to get flushed out so that the next one can do its time in purgatory

Tampons, pads, etc.: Oh boy, I’m kind of getting the heebie-jeebies now…but we must press on. Remember what we just talked about during the Period section? Well, when the auto-clean mode kicks in, those voted off the island must go somewhere. Oh lord, I’m done.

Actually, one more thing. When your lady-friend asks you to go to the store for [insert uncomfortable term], you’ve got to go. You’re embarrassed because you think the 2am shoppers are laughing at you – they’re not. Nor is the clerk who checks you out, the bag boy who insists on helping you out to your car, or the police officer that pulls you over. Trust me on this, nobody cares.

Here’s your homework:

-Sometime this week, find a reason to refer to both periods and tampons in a conversation. Don’t start with, “Hey, I’d really like to affirm your period and offer you this tampon as a token of my newfound adulthood.” That’s just odd. But do your best to normalize these words in your day-to-day conversation.

-Go to your local store during peak hours, pick out your favorite brand of feminine hygiene products, put them in your cart, and walk around for a while. Also, you don’t have to buy them unless you want to put them all over your roommates truck as a joke. Please send pictures of you walking around the store like a Grown Freaking Man. I’ll post the “best of” next week. You’ll win nothing.

Whew, I’m glad that post is behind us. Thanks for reading.